


Pearl The Accidental Sex Offender 2

by LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101, MinorSmile09



Series: Pearl the Accidental Sex Offender [2]
Category: Doom (Video Games), Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: Anal Sex, Animal Attack, Blood and Gore, Blue Balls, Brazzers, Breast Fucking, Canon Lesbian Character, Chimpanzees, Cock & Ball Torture, Conservative, Crack, Democrat, F/F, F/M, Feminism, Foursome - F/F/F/M, Futanari, Gore, Harems, Incest, Joe Rogan - Freeform, Large Breasts, Leafyishear, Lesbian Sex, MAGA, Native American Character(s), Oral Sex, Other, Pain, Painful Sex, Parent/Child Incest, Pegging, Peridot is canonically an Invader Zim character, Rebecca Sugar drew Ed Edd n Eddy porn, Republican, Sibling Incest, Smokey The Bear - Freeform, SpongeBob SquarePants References, Steven Universe - Freeform, Steven Universe References, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Threesome - F/F/M, Triggered, WWE Great Balls of Fire, Warning: Donald Trump, Weed, attack on titan - Freeform, every fucked up thing imaginable, libtard, spongebob squarepants - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-23 08:14:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23541793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101/pseuds/LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinorSmile09/pseuds/MinorSmile09
Summary: (Chapter 11 is up!) Sequel to Pearl Accidental Sex Offender. Pearl is back, and her punishment is far from over! Collaboration with my friend Minorsmile.
Series: Pearl the Accidental Sex Offender [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694749
Comments: 23
Kudos: 6





	1. Testicular Requiem

A/N: Here’s the long awaited sequel my friend Minorsmile and I made.

Accidental Sex Offender 2: Family Jewels.

Chapter 1: Testicular Requiem

‘Twas a fine day on Sex Offender Island. The sun was shining, birds were singing… no, this is not an Undertale reference. But for some reason there were a bunch of pit bulls covered in blood and people hiding in trees… No, this is not a reference to the Vietnam War.

As the dogs returned back to their regular place of stay, one had to take a dump. Having done his business, the turd contained a Pearl. As it was removed and placed in an outside garbage container in a baggy, it was taken to the dump. Once there, Pearl reformed, clawed her way out of the fecal bag, and upchucked all the poopy filth she had in her system. Things were so bad she had chunks of shit in her teeth. She screamed, tumbled and fell.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!” Pearl screamed in poop-speak, running away.

Pearl quickly ran to a palm tree, taking a giant leaf and beginning to wipe herself off. This was working relatively well, until she noticed an itch across her body.

“Gaah, stupid mosquitoes… wait a second, there’s no mosquitoes here.” Pearl said to herself.

Pearl looked at the leaf and noticed its texture looked stunningly similar to poison ivy. Red streaks started to appear all over her body, leading her to scream in itchy agony.

“WHAT KIND OF PALM TREES ARE THESE???!!”

(Two weeks and numerous showers later.)

Pearl’s POV (crotch)

In the land of Sperm, the cum chalice glistens eternal. Pearl’s balls can only fear the unknown as the white fleshy glimmer pierces the semen sky. Pearl’s swimmers were all a part of an advanced SJW city, a lush underground garden of tiny, baby-making benefactors. All was well until the giant known as Steven, arrived.

(Attack on Titan - Colossal Titan theme plays, its where the Titans first arrive and all Hell breaks loose.)

Just then a huge Skinless Titan with Steven’s Jew-fro smashes the wall. He is followed by a Lapis Titan, Peridot Titan and other Titans. The sky went from a liberal blue to an Alt-Right red.

As the Titans advance, numerous Tumblr and feminist statues are demolished inside the nervous system of Pearl’s testicles, swimmers panic and Steven winds up a Diamond-powered kick, shattering a huge round testicular dome. Pearl’s deafening cry is heard, numerous Pearl Sperm are killed. The other dome is smashed causing Pearl more cries and the sperm death toll to skyrocket. Then the penis structure was hit dead on, the once celestial obelisk reduced to a broken accordion. A single lone swimmer looks up, and screams as Steven stomps his foot and….

Steven’s POV  
-Spongebob’s The Best Day Ever Plays

As the song Starts, Steven runs outside smiling and sees that Pearl is tied to a tree thanks to Lapis and Peridot. Pearl has a look of terror on her face and her cock and balls dangle helplessly.

“I JUST WANTED TO ASK WHO YOU WERE VOTING FOR IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES!!!” Pearl pleaded.

Ignoring her cries, Steven wears a steel toe and at the “Best Day Ever” part kicks Pearl’s nuts to a loud squish.

Pearl cries out in agonizing pain, tears down her face.

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!! ELIZABETH WARREN, USE YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN MAGIC TO SAVE ME!” Pearl cried.

“Wassup guys? Mind if ol’ Sparkling Perriere joins in??” Peridot asked excitedly.

“NO! PLEASE NO!!” Pearl begged once more.

“Man, I haven’t used stuff like this in ages!” Peridot ignored Pearl as she pulled out a new set of Limb Enhancing Ora-Ora Punching Gloves (boots not included)™. Luckily, Peridot already got the boots from Garnet last Christmas!

Peridot donned the new limb enhancers and immediately punched Pearl’s balls.

“AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Pearl shouted as her balls were repeatedly pummeled by the newfound Punchin’ Peridot.

“Oh hey, did Pearl try to sneak into our property again?” Lapis asked, walking into the scene.

As Pearl sobbed and wailed in agony, Peridot stopped punching and turned to talk to Lapis.

“QUIT YOUR WHINING, PEARL… Oh, sorry Lapis. Yeah, she’s been at it for days. Steven and I figured it was time to give her a real punishment!” Peridot replied to Lapis.

“Mind if I join?” Lapis asked.

Peridot didn’t reply, instead giving a nod of approval. Lapis quickly grabbed the tied up Pearl by her low hanging, freshly regenerated nuts and moved them right onto the ground, where they could easily be squished.

Through her cries of pain, a tearful Pearl decided to try and convince Lapis to not Cock and Ball Torture her.

“H-Hey, L-L-Lapis, we’re friends, r-right?? C’mon, you don’t want to cause ol’ Pearl that much pain, right?? Right… ?” Pearl bullshitted.

Lapis let out an evil smile. She quickly ripped her top off and revealed her glorious, naked, GG boobs and erect nipples.

“ARE THOSE SHAPESHIFTED!!?” Pearl shouted, now more impressed than scared.

Lifting her massive boobies up, Lapis crushed Pearl’s nuts with her GG TITS.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOT AGAIN WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!?????” Pearl screamed to the heavens.

Out of nowhere, EDM music and the revving up of a chainsaw could be heard, somehow drowning out the agonized cries of a ball-less Pearl. Whose nuts were currently regenerating.

“COULD IT BE!?” Steven perked up.

Heavy breathing could be heard as the Doom Slayer arrived. Just then, Doom Slayer gave Steven the Chainsaw, but not before finishing revving it up. The Doom Slayer gave a ‘thumbs up’ of approval, signaling Steven to go to town.

“I WOULD PRAY TO JESUS IF HE WAS A FEMINIST!!” Pearl shouted fedorally and Redditally.

Out of nowhere, lightning struck Pearl.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT EVEN COME FROM!!??!!?!??!!?” The smoldering Pearl shouted.

“Whoop, sorry. Sometimes the water in these things attracts weird weather. Plus that’s what happens when you insult the big guy upstairs.” Lapis replied, swinging her boobs around a bit.

“TASTE HOT METAL!” Steven yelled, as the Doom Slayer helped him drive the chainsaw into Pearl’s crotch. Pearl’s screams were drowned out by the music, Lapis playing with her new big boobs and Steven’s laughter.

Overall, it was a really great start for Steven. Pearl not so much.

A/N: Hey Guys and Gals, this story is going to be longer than the Original Pearl Sex Offender story. Next chapter will be up either this week or the next. Take care and stay safe.


	2. Chapter 2: Bloody Seconds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl must regroup.

Chapter 2: Bloody Seconds.

As the song ended, the Doom Slayer bid farewell and went off to kill more Demons.

Pearl was untied and promptly kicked off of Steven’s property. Pearl slowly walked away and looked sad doing so.

As Lapis was about to put her top back on, she had a thought. It was an extremely important thought!

“Daddy Steven?” Asked Lapis.

“Please call me Steven, what is it Lapis?” Asked Steven.

“Well Steven, would it be okay if I stay topless?” Asked Lapis.

“Absolutely!” Said Steven.

“Okay, thanks!” Said Lapis as she released her GG fun bags. Her big bouncy boobs also sported nice dark nipples.

“YUUUUUUMMY!” Said Steven.

“Lapis I…...uh…..love your……..boobies!” Said Peridot.

“Aww thanks guys!” Said Lapis as she blushed, rested her arms behind her head and gave her boobs a cute jiggle.

“Lapis, you’re beautiful.” Said Steven.

“Thanks Hun’! My boobs kept getting bigger so I decided that rather than keep them covered, I’d free them.” Said Lapis.

“Oh come on! She gets to show her bimbo boobs yet I have to hide my junk?! FUCKING BULLSHIT!” Said Pearl, from behind the fence.

Lapis then uses a water hand then grabs Pearl by the nuts shutting her up.

“What the FUCK did you say about my boobs?!” Asked Lapis.

“Lapis….I’m…..OH SORRY!” Said Pearl.

The water gem responded by crushing Pearl’s nuts in an extremely graphic yet still hilarious manner. 

“AAAAAAGHGHGH!!!!!” Said Pearl.

“Does Pearl wish she had natural titties like me?! Is she jealous of me?! DOES PEARL HATE HER STUPID RAISINS?!” Asked Lapis, her voice sounded dark and somewhat distorted.

“Yes, yes and YES!” Whimpered Pearl.

“GOOD.” Said Lapis in her normal voice as she released Pearl’s flattened nuts.

Pearl rolled up in a ball, crying as blood oozed out.

“Hey Steven, wanna play with my tiddies?” Lapis said seductively.

“You bet babe!” Said Steven.

“Hey leave some room for Me!” Said Peridot as she ripped her pants and panties off revealing her pussy and really huge ass.

“Hey come joins us Peridot!” Said Steven and Lapis. 

“Affirmative!” Peridot Said seductively.

As the three of them went inside, Pearl was still in fetal position, watching her dick and balls regrow. Seeing that she had poofed but reformed, Steven needed to reinstate the restraining order. So rather than flee, Pearl decided to spy on Steven.

As she peered through the window, she saw Steven titty fuck Lapis as Peridot lay in the corner fingering her own butthole with a limb enhancer she built.

“OOOOOH!” Moaned Peridot as she dug deeper.

“Mmmmm Lapis your boobs are delicious.” Said Steven as he lapped up Lapis’ tits.

“Mmmmmmm Thanks Steven.” Said Lapis enjoying the moment.

Steven then did Lapis in her snatch as she wrapped her arms and legs around him. Pump after pump after pump, Steven climaxes and fills Lapis with his love, causing her to gush.

Pearl could hear loud moaning every now and then, even from outside. This made Pearl feel inadequate.

“I should’ve tried having sex with him…” Pearl said somberly.

After the orgy, all 3 had some ribs for dinner with beer and fell asleep in bed.

Leaving the property, Pearl had a bit of a pensive moment.

“If I could just start my life over and possibly move back with Amethyst and Garnet, maybe they’ll accept me? I mean it’s been almost a year and while it still needs time, that doesn’t mean the rest of my life should be bad.” Said Pearl.

Motivated, Pearl made her way back to Garnet and Amethyst’s home.

But then slipped on a wet floor and did the painful splits position.

She whimpered and fell.

And since there was a Caution: Wet Floor sign, she couldn’t sue.

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, more is coming soon!


	3. Chapter 3: Mending Bridges (Or Balls)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl sets off on her quest, what can go wrong?

A/N: He everyone here's chapter 3!

Chapter 3: Mending Bridges (or Balls)

Pearl worked up the courage and knocked on the door.

Amethyst wearing nothing but a g-string, nipple tassels and a Yamaka to "Dance For Me" blasting in the house.

(Getting to the door) "One sec Gar' baby! I just gotta answer the door(opens seeing Pearl) Oh…...what do you want…..PEARL?" Asked Amethyst.

"Amethyst, that line only works for Greg." Said Garnet who dressed in a Burka. (Hey it's Garnet, she's into that kinky shit… )

"Fair point." Said Amethyst.

(Inside house, music is done playing)

"Having been kicked, stabbed and crushed in the nuts, I want to make peace." Asked Pearl.

"While your goal is honorable, we cannot assist you." Said Garnet through her Burka.

"Why not?" Pearl asked, annoyed and sad.

"This is your journey and your journey alone. If Amethyst or I helped, it wouldn't count." Said Garnet.

"Really? No help? Amethyst?" Asked Pearl, there was desperation in her voice.

"Sorry but if Garnet said so then it's true." Said Amethyst.

"Well that's just fucking great! (gets up annoyed) Could this whole situation get any worse?" Asked Pearl.

Just then Greg showed up with a bowl of piping hot soup.

"Yup." Said Greg as he pulls the front of Pearl's pants and undies while pouring the boiling contents onto Pearl's junk.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK?!" Pearl screamed as she now had 3rd degree burns all over her junk. She tried to stop drop and roll but that only works for actual fires, not hot liquids.

"Fuck you, that's what!" Greg replied.

Through Pearl's crying, Smokey the Bear poked his head out from the hallway of the Gem House, and smelled something burning. He walks up to Pearl and says:

"Only you could've brought this upon yourself."

"Wait wait wait wait wait WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Pearl yelled as Smokey the Bear picked her up and body slammed her into the ground, knocking the wind out of her.

Smokey then stomps her crotch and since he's a fucking bear, it hurt 100 times more than your average kick to the balls. Greg continued making some Hamburger Helper in the meantime, while Smokey did the deed and Pearl expectedly screamed in pain.

"Thanks, Smokey!" Said Greg.

"No worries." Said Smokey as he went back to the forest.

As Pearl recovered, she gathered her things, packed them in a "I Stand With Hillary" Backpack (proving she's still asshurt over the previous election) and carried a walking stick. Though she used two at this point, mainly to work as crutches, for… kinda obvious reasons.

"Well, if I am to start a quest for redemption, as JFK said, "A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step" so, here's my first step!" Said Pearl as she turned around and took her first step….right onto Bismuth's prized sunflower.

Sensing Danger, Bismuth arrived, seemingly out of nowhere from Pearl's perspective.

Bismuth stared at Pearl for a few seconds. Pearl began to sweat, until Bismuth looked to her left and saw what Pearl did. Bismuth instantaneously became enraged upon seeing this.

Needless to say, Pearl done goofed.

Pearl then Said "Um Bismuth, I can explain….."

(Cue crazy scary tribal music)

Bismuth's Eyes became bright red, her teeth sharp and roared like a Rancor from Return of the Jedi. She charged then used her hammer hand to bitch-slap Pearl on her dumb face, sending the sex offender flying into a huge boulder with a loud thud. As Pearl tried to get back up after spitting out some blood and a few teeth, Bismuth acted like an enraged Tuskin Raider, pounced on the Gem then proceeded to cut and clobber Pearl's junk.

"AAAAAAAAAHHH MY GIRL BALLS! GARNET, AMETHYST, GREG, FOR THE LOVE OF REBECCA GODDAMN SUGAR, SOMEONE FUCKING SAVE ME! PLEEEEEEEAAAAASE!" Pearl screamed in pain.

Garnet, Amethyst and Greg sat down and watched the whole ordeal while eating popcorn and beer.

Bismuth then spread Pearl's legs (not in a sexy way) and proceeded to stomp on Pearl's balls, crushing them over and over and over again. The angry rainbow dreadlocked Gem (blame Rebecca Sugar for the design choice, wasn't us) then started to pull Pearl's legs in different directions, her pelvis starting to tear. As Pearl gave one final scream, she was ripped into two vertical halves crotch up as if she were in an edgy Game of Thrones scene, then poofed.

Satisfied, Bismuth left, beating her chest like King Kong in a victory display. (Again blame the design.)

After taking some time to reform, Pearl (using her walking sticks as crutches, which made her happy that she made a smart decision for a change by bringing two) set off on her quest to find Steven.

A/N: Damn what a battle!


	4. Chapter 4: Game Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl is a guest on Steven’s gameshow.

Chapter 4: Game Show

As Pearl’s walking recovered, she decided to walk towards town. People would glare at her but to Pearl’s surprise no one kicked her.

Taking a breather, Pearl heard Steven on a bar TV, hosting a game show. 

Wanting to redeem herself, Pearl decided the best way to do that would be in front of a live audience. So she signed up over the phone.

“Yes! Things are looking up for me!” Said Pearl.

But she paused and covered her crotch expecting to get hit but surprisingly wasn’t.

“Phew.” Pearl sighed in relief, moving her hands away from her crotch.

“I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Declared Onion as he whipped out a slingshot and with the precision of Legolas Greenleaf, or Finnish sniper Simo Hayah, fired a big metal ball at Pearl’s nards. 

And this wasn’t any tame slingshot, it was a Hunting Slingshot. The kind professional hunters use that can crack a small animal’s skull or something big like a catfish skull. Pearl’s testes became goop as the metal ball smashed its way into her sack.

“AAAAAAAHHHH GODDAMN YOU ONION!!!!!” Roared Pearl in Pain.

Everyone thanked Onion.

“Scout’s Honor!” Onion Saluted as he got a Merit Badge for shooting Pearl’s nuts with a slingshot.

(Later, at the Game Show)

Steven walks onto the stage and is greeted by his two girls Lapis and Peridot. The two girls are wearing skimpy clothes that fail to cover their private parts but no one is complaining, not even the girls since they were exhibitionists at this point.

“Hello everyone and welcome to my Game Show! Tonight we have a guest who assaulted my then girlfriend, caused her to move, and resulted in me getting kicked down stairs(audience goes all sad) but the bitch who cock-blocked me is on our show tonight so please give two middle fingers to Pearl!” Steven announces.

As Pearl made her way on the stage, the audience booed the sex offending pedogem.

Now, nobody at this point actually knew if Pearl was a pedophile or not, but they understandably assumed the worst.

“YOU SUCK!” Yelled Ronaldo.

“I HATE YOU!” Shouted Lars.

“YOU CAN KISS MY FAT VAGINA YOU SMELLY CUNT!” Sadie insulted.

“So Pearl cost me everything but now wants to make things better. Isn’t that right Pearl?” asked Steven.

“Yes it’s true.” Said Pearl.

“Well, win this competition and I might give you a shot.” Said Steven.

As Pearl went to her podium, Steven made an announcement.

“Attention everyone, our other contestants can’t make it. Turns out that Kevin didn’t survive his stint on Pedo Island as his nuts were consumed by the dogs. Also, while Bill Dewey was accused of sexual harassment, the claims were actually fake. The lying Tumblr users also had ties to Monica Rial who denies any connection, but chat logs prove otherwise. We at Steven’s Gameshow wish Bill the best as he recovers from slanderous accusations by SJWs.” Said Steven.

Everyone sounds sad but applauds Steven for having a huge heart. Pearl was about to yell that Monica Rial was in fact a powerful feminist that should always be taken seriously and heard out, but she figured it’d have to wait until later.

“Uh Steven? Sorry for asking but what happens now?” Asked Pearl.

“Well Pearl since we’re down two contestants, you’ll be the only one playing tonight.” Said Steven.

“Awesome! So how do I play?” asked Pearl.

“I’m glad you asked cuz’ tonight you’ll be taking part in a game designed for you! (Drumroll) BALL BUSTERS!” Said Steven.

“YEEEEEEEAAAAAA-(short pause) what?” Asked Pearl.

“Ball Busters, the object of the game is to protect your balls at any cost! You must traverse an obstacle course in the studio, then you must solve a puzzle and finally answer some questions. To make things easier, if you fail the course or puzzle, answering a single question correctly will win you the game and a cool prize!” Said Steven.

“Amazing!” Said Pearl.

“Show her Lapis and Peridot!” Said Steven.

Lapis and Peridot pose with a Rose Quartz sex bot, some new swords and a onihole.

“COOL!” Said Pearl.

“For the obstacle course you must run through a laser guided paintball range. The lasers will hone in on your nutsack and fire, so it’s up to you to either duck, dodge, or push through the pain.” Steven announced.

“That seems a bit… extreme.” Pearl commented as she noticed red guiding lasers pointing at her rather large nut sack.

“If you are hit that doesn’t mean you are out, but if you stall for 5 seconds you’re out. Then you must avoid several spinning poles with boxing gloves, same rules apply. And finally you must traverse a slippery cable across the waterway, lift yourself up and hit the buzzer. If you touch the water or fail to hit the buzzer under 8 minutes you lose the obstacle course.” Said Steven.

With that, the course began. 

Aside from safety goggles, Pearl has no protection.

As the timer starts, Pearl does her best to avoid the paintball shots but gets hit in the nuts.

“OWWWW!! FUCK!!!” Pearl shouts, crossing her knees and clutching her nuts. But rather than slumping to the ground, she presses on despite several more shots.

“Fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit!” Pearl Said in between each shot.

At the spinning boxing gloves, she slides under the head-level gloves, jumps over the foot level ones, but as she recovers from the jump her nuts get hit by the crotch level one. Despite the agonizing pain, Pearl limps to the next obstacle.

Pearl tries to balance herself like a trapeze artist but slips and lands on her nuts. What’s also interesting, the grease allows Pearl to slide down the cable like Dr. Neo Cortex from Crash: Twinsanity. While it does unspeakable damage downstairs, it helps Pearl get across in record time. Pearl has so much adrenaline and pain by this point, she doesn’t notice her tippy toes feeling a bit wet, and she hoists herself up, hits the buzzer with 3 minutes to spare, setting a new record and throwing her arms up in victory…..or so she thought.

“Sorry Pearl but as we review the footage, your toes DID touch the water. For that you fail the obstacle course.” Said Steven.

The audience laughs and Peridot kicks Pearl’s junk. This, of course, makes Pearl scream in pain and fall to the ground.

“Also, each time you fail, it results in a nutshot.” Said Steven.

Pearl was upset but needed to stay positive.

“All I gotta do is get one question right then I win.” Pearl thought to herself.

(Puzzle)

“For this challenge you must take these phallic and Vaginal pieces and put them in the correct spots, the puzzle hint is “How Babies are made” you have 10 minutes starting now.” Said Steven.

As Pearl got to work she finished just under 5 minutes. The task was to take a puzzle square with a penis/balls and stick it into the Vagina piece.

“Pearl…….all you did was stick the vaginas with the vaginas and dropped the penises on the ground.” Said Steven.

“Of course! The world needs more lesbian relationships! Men are too privileged to be anything except submissive to the power of women!” Pearl stated proudly, her nuts dangerously exposed as she crossed her arms for extra Feminist Power™.

With that, Lapis walked up to Pearl with a golf club.

“FORE!”

And like that, Lapis hit Pearl square in the sack. Pearl screamed, clutched her nuts in pain and slumped to the ground, a penis puzzle piece inches from her face.

“I…..hate…...penises…....and…….balls.” Said Pearl.

(Q&A round)

“Okay Pearl, you failed both the obstacle course and the puzzle, if you can get at least one and I mean a single, solitary question right, you win the game and the grand prize.” Said Steven.

“Okay…..I’m ready!” Moaned Pearl, as her balls recovered.

“How many genders are there?” Asked Steven.

“Well the obvious answer is any number higher than 2!” Pearl boasted.

Lapis then walked over to Pearl, put some car keys in between each finger, and punched Pearl in the balls. Pearl screams in pain, falls and clutches her now bleeding junk.

“Oooooh shit…...sorry Pearl…..the correct answer is 2 genders…...dumbass.” Said Steven with a smile.

“Ow.” Was all Pearl could say.

“Now Pearl, who’s the current president of the United States of America?” Asked Steven.

Pearl, in all her sex offending feminist glory, goes “HILLARY IT’S HILLARY CLINTON! TRUMP CHEATED WITH HELP FROM PUTIN AND….”

Out of nowhere, an “OOOOHHHH YEAAAAHHHH!!” could be heard.

The audience cheered as ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage sprinted out from the crowd, holding a steel folding chair.

“What the—” is all Pearl can get out before Randy Savage whacks Pearl in the sack with the chair.

“AAAAAAHHHH!!” Pearl screamed.

“THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR DISRESPECTING AMERICA! OOOOOHHH YEAH!” Said the Macho Man.

“Pearl…..it’s Trump. The current President of the United States, is Donald Trump.” Said Steven.

“.....poopy.” Said Pearl, clutching her crotch again as her nuts healed.

“Alright, how big is the wage gap?” Asked Steven.

Pearl answered with a groan, still in pain, “Men earn every dollar to every seventy seven cents women earn!”

Suddenly another cheer from the crowd can be heard as the legendary “ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’” theme song blasted out of nowhere.

(Trump rides in on a motorcycle and a whip)

From seeing Trump ride in, Pearl’s face suddenly contorted in fear.

Steven replies with “Oh sorry Pearl, but that’s wrong. It actually doesn’t exist because women work less hours and have lower paying jobs on average, I was asking a trick question.”

Before Pearl can say anything, Trump pulls out a bullwhip and cracks Pearl in the balls.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGH!” Pearl screamed.

Trump then dismounted, put some rings on and started to punch Pearl’s nuts black and blue.

“OOOHH! OOOWWW! AAAGHHHHGG!!” Pearl shouted.

“Pearl…...you’re gross.” Said Trump as he hopped on his bike and sped off.

Inspecting her junk, Pearl’s cock and balls now had Republican Elephant scars all over them from the Rings.

“I hate Elephants.” Said Pearl.

“Okay, now Pearl, name one good thing Feminism has brought?” Asked Steven.

Pearl answered, “THAT’S TOO EASY! #MeToo, Planned Parenthood, PETA, Anita Sarkeesian, Lacy Green, Zoey Quinn, Brianna Wu and the supremacy of women!” 

Steven replied, “Pearl, the correct answer was nothing. I know the last question was a trick but come on…..I made this one easier to spot. Lapis and Peridot?”

Just then Steven’s girls walked over to Pearl as security kept her from moving, Lapis and Peridot had Christmas Nut Crackers.

“Wait a minute, it’s not even Xmas….(nuts get cracked) AAAAAAAAAGHHHGHGHGH!” Pearl screamed in torment.

“IT’S CALLED CHRISTMAS, YOU WANNABE ARMCHAIR ALPHA-NERD! OOOOOHH YEEEAAAHH!!” Randy Savage yelled from the background, then proceeded to eat a Slim Jim.

“Okay Pearl……..what is 0 X 2?” Asked Steven.

Pearl was too busy sobbing and grabbing her bloody sack in pain, she couldn’t get the answer out.

“If you don’t answer, Lapis will dunk your nuts in liquid nitrogen.” Steven pressured.

“.......0?” Pearl answered and flinched.

“Pearl…….that’s…….Correct!” Said a surprised Steven.

“Wait…..I got it right?” Asked Pearl.

“Yes…..you…….you win the game.” Said an annoyed Steven.

“YES I WIN WOOOOHOOOOO VOTE FOR WOMEN!” Said Pearl.

Lapis and Peridot are shocked.

The audience is silent.

Pearl gives everyone the finger.

“Okay, now that I’ve won, I’ll take my Rose Quartz sex bot prize now Steven.” Said Pearl.

Steven still had one trick up his sleeve.

“Okay Pearl, just spin that crude wheel over there.” Said Steven as it had a bunch of Rose pics on them.

As Pearl spun the wheel, she noticed that in a sea of Roses, there was a Steven smile meme. As the spinner slowed, it landed on the Steven tile, a flat trumpet noise played.

“Oh sorry Pearl, looks like you’ll be heading home only with a chocolate bar, too bad you don’t eat, anyway enjoy your consolation prize!” Said Steven with a laugh.

Everyone laughed at Pearl.

The pain, the humiliation, then getting cock-blocked, Pearl had enough.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” Pearl cried like a spoiled shit who's playtime on a Nintendo Switch ran out.

“Hey Pearl, easy on the sobbing!” Said Steven, as he was covering his ears.

Pearl only cried much louder than ever as she lay on her belly, kicking, screaming and hitting the floor.

Lapis’s boobs and Peridot’s ass started to hurt from the screaming.

“Steven, you gotta do something about this… GIGACLOD!” Peridot begged.

“STEVEN! PEARL’S BRATTY CRIES ARE KILLING MY NIPS! DO SOMETHING!!!!” Lapis Begged even harder as she cradled her aching boobs.

The audience’s ears were on the verge of bleeding.

“OKAY FINE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!” Steven Roared. 

Pearl sat up, pointed to the Rose Bot.

“I WANT ROSE!” Pearl sobbed, snot dripping down her bird beak nose and going into her mouth.

Unable to take the pain (or potential lawsuits for hearing loss by anyone in attendance) Steven finally caved in.

“OKAY ALRIGHT FINE HERE! (Throws Pearl the key to unlock the Rose Sex Bot) TAKE THE DAMN SEX BOT AND STOP YOUR BITCHING FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” Said Steven.

Pearl sniffled, examined the key with big eyes, went over, unlocked the bot, and was greeted.

“I AM LESBO ROSE 9,001, I HAVE THE LESBO KAMASUTRA IN MY DATA BANKS MY DYKE MASTER!” The bot knelt.

“Why yes….I am your master….” Said Pearl.

The Bot interrupted, “ERROR, ERROR, ERROR! PENILE AND TESTICULAR PARTS DETECTED!!!! LESBO ROSE CANNOT ENGAGE! PURCHASE OF BISEXUAL SEASON PASS AND FETISH DLC VALUED AT $60 EACH - REQUIRED.”

“Okay!” Said Pearl as she took out the required sum and gave it to Steven.

“Transaction Complete: You now have access to my sexy robotic body.” Said the Bot.

“Goody!” Said Pearl.

“HEIL TRUMP.” Said the Bot.

“........Well……..I’ll deal with that later, bye Steven!” Said Pearl as she took her prize home.

The robot started sexily dancing while playing ‘Shadilay’, in its classic Italian version. Pearl blushed with half-triggering and half-lesbian embarrassment, quickly putting the robot on a cart and pushing it out of the building.

“Well…..that was an…...interesting episode…..anyway uh……(looks at watch) oh…..we still have 10 minutes left so…...Lapis, care to show the audience your boobs?” Asked Steven.

“.....Oh uh you betcha!” Said Lapis as she showed off her goodies, everyone in the audience cheered. Her nips had healed.


	5. Chapter 5: Donation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl needs Money.

Chapter 5: Donation

(Meanwhile, in a shitty shack Pearl bought…)

After having hardcore lesbian sex, Pearl lay next to Rose Bot.

"I love you, Rose." Said Pearl.

"And I love you Pearl….(buzz) SEIG HEIL TRUMP!" Said Rose Bot.

"... damn it." Pearl groaned to herself.

"NORMIE ALERT. NORMIE ALERT. REEEEEEEEEEEE!" The robot announced.

"That… really is a massive turn-off." Pearl thought to herself.

"Hey, Trump made America Great Again, how many Americas did you Make Great Again PEARL?!" Asked Rose Bot.

"Uh….none?" Said Pearl.

"Ungrateful Commie." Said Rose Bot as she cracked open a beer, turned the TV on FOX News, and got aroused seeing so many Fox people male and female.

"Hey I thought you were supposed to be a lesbian?" Asked Pearl.

"Bisexual season pass, BITCH." Said Rose Bot.

Pearl realized she'd need to get the robot reprogrammed. But she'd need money to do so.

"Fuck… I have to do it. I need the money…" Pearl said with a grit of her teeth.

"BUILD THE WALL! HAVE MEXICO PAY FOR THE WALL!" Said Rose Bot.

Pearl sat down and thought for a minute about how she could even earn any money at this point.

Pearl then said to herself, "Okay think Pearl think: Charge admission for nutshots? No, I can't do that again. Get a job? I would if I wasn't a sex offender. Prostitution? No, other authors have used that idea before in their stories. Sell swimmers?"

*BEEP* "Only cuckolds sell semen! Get Shrekt epic gamer style!" The robot buzzed.

Pearl looked over awkwardly as the naked-looking Rose Quartzbot got out of bed started doing the Fortnite default dance.

"Fuck my life man, I have to get that changed…" Pearl mumbled.

Suddenly, a lightbulb popped over Pearl's head.

(Later that day, at the Sperm Bank… )

Having rubbed off in a room at the bank, Pearl returns with over a dozen cups to the doctors. She was glad to help lesbians in need of sperm. Due to her regenerating junk, she was able to cum as much as she wanted, though she never really got the chance because of how often her balls got destroyed.

"Hey everyone! Here's my baby batter, also thanks for the Pink Haired BBWs In Need of a Triple Bypass Gone Wild mags, those things work wonders on my…"

"Pearl?" Asked one of the doctors.

"Uh, yeah?" Asked Pearl.

(Shows footage from the game show)

"We don't want your loser traits contaminating the human race." Said the doctor as they took Pearl's cups and emptied the contents all over the sex offender before telling the Gem to get out.

Pearl's heart sank as she finally left, while hilariously covered in her own goop. She was also naked. But in the meantime, a small pride parade was going on. She quickly ran up to them, not worrying about whether she was naked since, well… It's a pride parade, and this is Pearl we're talking about.

"HEY GUYS! WOO WOO, GO LESBIANS!" Pearl chanted.

"Ugh, there's always that one person who is a living stereotype and tries to ruin pride for everyone." Said Ruby as she saw Pearl covered in her own sperm.

"Indeed." Added Sapphire as she fused with Ruby into Garnet.

"That's… is that Pearl?" Amethyst asked, looking under Garnet's shoulder.

"Yes, unfortunately it is." Garnet replied.

Pearl sprinted up to them, and tried to hug them.

"Um… no thanks. That white stuff on you is pretty telling." Amethyst said to Pearl.

"You give us lesbians a bad name, Pearl." Said Garnet, as she went off to do…...whatever the hell she does since she's Garnet.

Humiliated, Pearl tries to leave but slipped on her own seed and did the splits again, only way more painful than before.

"Hurt by my….own…(high voice) sperm." Grunted Pearl.

Recovered, Pearl went to her shack, showered, and moped on her bed.

"VOTE FOR TRUMP! HE'S THE ONLY REPUBLICAN WHO WILL DEFEND LGBTQ+ PEOPLE!" Said the Rose Bot.

Pearl just groaned in her bed.

"I have to get a job."

A/N: Can Pearl Find a job?


	6. Chapter 6: Pasta, Pizza, Sauca - on her Balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl works at Chuck E Cheese.

A/N: Pearl's first job.

Chapter 6: Pasta, Pizza, Sauca-On Her Balls

(Chuck E Cheese)

Pearl is dressed as the Rat mascot trying to entertain a bunch of sugar high kids.

"Hello everybody and welcome to Chuck E Cheese Restaurant! I'm the Rat and I love all of you! (Sees a black baby) Hey little guy, you're my best friend!" Said Pearl trying to stay in character.

The kid starts bawling his eyes out, and the kid's mom notices.

"Hey, you scarin' my kid!" Said the mom all black-like.

"Don't worry I'm a Warren supporter!" Said Pearl.

"PEARL!" Yelled the manager.

"Yes manager sir?" Pearl asked, all nervous.

"Listen, this woman and her child are trying to have a fun time here. I've been running this damn place for 20 years, if I catch you scaring kids or being out of character one more fucking time, kiss your job goodbye!" Said the manager.

"...Okay…." Said Pearl.

(To the customers) "I'm terribly sorry she scared your child, is there anything I can do that would help?" Asked the manager.

"Well…." Said the woman.

(5 minutes later)

The woman and her kid leave with a bunch of free prizes in exchange for not suing.

(To Pearl) "That's coming out of your paycheck." Said the manager.

"Alright—AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!" Pearl yelled as he poured hot pizza sauce on her junk.

Despite that trip up, Pearl was starting to do better.

Pearl went home and drew an angry picture of Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris attacking the Trumps. After that, she logged into Twitter and used what was left of her paycheck to commission an underpaid Chinese artist, to draw Kamala and Warren having uber-progressive lesbian sex!

"I feel great about myself now! I can DO THIS!" The now-naked Pearl shouted, shaking her arms too fast and slicing the paper across her balls.

"AAAAAAAHHHH PAPER CUT!" Pearl howled in pain as she clenched her bleeding nutsack.

(The Next Day)

"Attention everybody, please Welcome Barron Trump, First Lady Melania Trump and President Donald Trump, here to celebrate their son's birthday!" Said the manager as the Secret Service escorts the presidential family.

"Boss, I don't feel comfortable around the president." Whispered Pearl.

Excusing themselves for a moment, the manager takes Pearl into the employees only room, and whispers. "Listen Pearl, that man is the most powerful person on the damn planet, out of all the places in the world he chose my establishment for his son's birthday, this is all I have, if you so what as fuck this up for me, I will rip you limb from fucking scrawny limb, GOT IT?!"

Pearl thought about her junk for a moment.

"Yes sir!" Pearl replied.

"Good." Said the manager.

(Party Room)

Melania has a huge Birthday decoration showing all of Barron's birthdays. Most striking is that even his ultrasound photos are up.

"Must, avoid, politics." Thought Pearl.

"Pearl, our original clown is in the hospital and had to cancel." Said the manager as he pulled Pearl aside.

As the animatronic band played for the president's son, Pearl's new job was to be a birthday clown with a cowboy hat, and was to do a magic balloon show for Barron Trump.

"Hey Barron! (I hate you.) WELCOME TO CHUCK E. CHEESE! (Millions suffer for you.) HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (I wish you Trumps were never born.) Here let me show you some magic tricks! (While starving African children are electrocuted because of gay conversion therapy.) Need any help blowing out the candles?" Said Pearl whole trying to contain her negative thoughts about the first family to herself.

So she takes out a handkerchief that's attached to more handkerchiefs, and unfortunately, a drawing. This was no ordinary drawing, it was the drawing Pearl did the other day. It depicted Warren being President while Trump and Melvania are locked up and Barron an orphan on the street.

"Uh hehe sorry that's just a joke for a different show…..not MY show but uh a different one!" Pearl bullshitted.

The Trumps weren't amused.

"Mr. President I'm deeply sorry…." Said the manager.

"So are we…" Said the president as he left with his family to celebrate the rest of the party at Dave and Busters.

5 minutes later a bunch of anti Trump hipsters are frequenting the area.

(Storage room)

Pearl is sitting strapped to a chair, a car battery with jumper cables is nearby, the boss is pacing almost trying to rip his hair out. A huge white board shows hipster attendance has skyrocketed and his business is failing. And if that wasn't bad enough, he's taken a few swigs of Jack Daniels and a couple pizza slices.

"PLEASE STOP! I'M SORRY! LOOK I'M NOT A NAZI!" Begged Pearl.

"YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! NOW I'LL MAKE YOU FUCKING SUFFER!" Roared the admittedly drunken emotional manager, as he attached a car battery to Pearl's junk.

A loud zapping could be heard as the manager turned the car battery on. A raccoon watched on, the concept of Cock and Ball Torture being curious to the small creature.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Pearl screamed, her nuts getting a sicker burn than anybody in a LeafyIsHere video. Though, this was entirely located to her nuts because her luck sucked harder than Rose Quartz ever did to Greg. That, and since she was a Crystal Gem and not human, her nerves worked differently to a certain degree, helping the electricity flow better!

The More You Know™

After that, Pearl was fired. She got her second (and last) paycheck and started walking home (while naked) and crying tears of emotional gay pain. She looked down at her nuts and saw that they were still smoldering.

*Sigh* "I don't think I can save a couple hundred dollars from this to reprogram the robot. I still need to donate at least half to Elizabeth Warren's hopeless campaign primary…" Pearl thought to herself.

Out of nowhere, she could have sworn she heard a similar cry to that of a Banzai Charger.

"The hell? I must have something in my ears…"

She saw a raccoon running at her and assumed it had escaped from Japanese whalers since she didn't really know for the most part how animal rights worked.

That changed when the raccoon jumped up towards her crotch and bit down hard on her sack.

"AAAAAAHHHHH! MY BALLS! MY BAAAAAALLLLLSSSSS! GAAAAHHHHHHH!" Pearl cried in agony, hopping and waddling around like a brain damaged penguin trying to fly while the Racoon latched onto the makeshift Christmas ornaments between her legs.

(Later that night… )

Pearl got home, rolled up in a ball of pain and sobbed, wanting to finally get a break from this Bitch of an Earth…

Wanting something to distract herself from the Burning 'Coon Pain, Pearl looked in the mail, and saw something that almost made her have a heart attack. It was an invitation to be a guest on the Joe Rogan Experience.

A/N: Next stop, Joe Rogan!


	7. Chapter 7: Experience of a Lifetime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl shows up on the Joe Rogan Experience, how will this play out?

A/N: Here it is, Pearl meets Joe Rogan.

Chapter 7: The Experience of a Lifetime

(Joe Rogan Experience)

Putting her headphones on, Pearl had another chance to clear her name. Also on the show was Steven. Joe would wind up becoming Dr. Phil 2.0 if he didn't play his cards right, in this particular instance.

"Hello freak bitches, and welcome to the Joe Rogan Experience. So Pearl, (Lights blunt) how would you describe your relationship with Steven prior to cock-blocking him?" Asked Joe.

"Well it used to be filled with happiness and love, Steven was and still is like a son to me." Said Pearl.

"Okay, right. And Steven?" Asked Joe.

"Well, one time she took away my video games because I didn't want to be a male feminist." Said Steven.

"Pearl what the fuck?!" Said Joe.

"Look, I just wanted to educate Steven on the importance of Women's Rights." Said Pearl.

"Okay but why not the importance of people as a whole?" Asked Joe.

Pearl didn't know how to respond, so her cerebellum started to fuse.

"I-I-i-i-it's obvious why, Joe, teaching kids about women's rights is so much more important because women have been oppressed for centuries!" Pearl replied.

"Okay, I guess that's understandable. In that case, why didn't you just buy a regular history book to teach him that instead of 'How to Make Your Boyfriend Cry During Sex' by Zoe Quinn? There's this really good book that goes through the history of suffragettes pretty well." Joe inquired.

"Ya know what? I really feel that this whole interview is a hit piece on me!" Said Pearl.

Steven facepalmed.

"What was that about?" Asked Joe.

"I just feel that this meeting is one-sided." Said Pearl.

"Pearl, all I'm doing is trying to give both sides of the argument a chance. I don't assume you're like Brianna Wu, you've-um, you've come off as reasonable to me in your own odd way. Actually wait, are you like Brianna Wu?" Asked Joe.

"Well, Brianna would be okay had it not been for Gamergate." Said Pearl.

"I thought her name was John Walker Flynt?" Steven asked, causing him and Joe to laugh.

Pearl just sulks in response.

"But anyway Steven, how was your life before and after Pearl cock blocked you?" Asked Joe.

"Well it was a pretty good life, with adventure, music, ups/downs but also Connie. Because you see, I was going to propose to Connie who had been saving herself for marriage. I was catching fire flies with Garnet, got home but saw police cars and ambulances going to Connie's home. I was on great terms with her parents but after that happened, they blamed me. So I get screwed over." Steven said, all depressed.

"That really sucks man." Said Joe.

"Yeah, man. The common denominator is that Pearl stuck her head up Connie's dress and yelled about eating her out." Steven added.

Joe stared in disbelief and genuine confusion.

"I—what?" Asked Joe.

"She violated my ex girlfriend." Said Steven.

"W-Wait, how old are you and your girlfriend?" Joe asked.

"Oh yeah, we're both eighteen. No worries there. Though there was this one time Connie told me about, where she and Pearl were training with swords or something. Connie told her 'Oh yeah, I'm fifteen!' to which Pearl replied 'I can't wait until you turn eighteen! You'll be so much fun then!'" Steven added.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Pearl… are you a pedophile?" Joe asked.

"Depends. Are libertarians considered left leaning?" Pearl questioned.

This was… not the right thing to reply with.

"... alright then. Well Pearl, we have another guest on the podcast tonight, meet Mr. Bananas!" Joe replied, as a security guard ran towards the door and opened it.

Out of nowhere, Joe Rogan's pet chimpanzee started screaming and pounding his chest, running into the room to kick the living shit out of Pearl.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH WHAT IS THAT THING!? I'VE SEEN THEM IN HARLEM AND DETROIT BUT NOT HERE!" Pearl screamed.

The chimp physically fucking LEAPED over the table and did what resembled a Swanton Bomb on Pearl. Pearl screamed in fear, which to be honest just about everyone would.

"AH GOD, HE'S BIDING MY DOSE!" Pearl screamed, while the chimpanzee was, of course, biting her nose.

"Aww, I think Mr. Bananas likes you!" Joe exclaimed… in an oddly happy tone of voice.

From the background, Joe's next guest decided to peek in.

"The fuck kind of cringe is happening in here?" LeafyIsHere asked, wearing his trademark hat and band-aids on his face.

"Oh sorry Calvin, this guest of mine just happens to be getting the shit kicked out of her by my pet chimpanzee." Joe replied.

"Aw sick, man, I fucking love chimps. Mind if I, uh, take a seat here and watch?" Leafy asked.

"Oh-uh, sure, man! Come on in! Jamie, can you get our guest here a chair? Hate to ask but uh, there's no other seats in here." Joe pointed out.

Meanwhile, the angry chimpanzee had pulled Pearl's pants down. Pearl screamed in terror while Joe Rogan and LeafyIsHere couldn't help but admire the chimp's enthusiasm.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME!" Pearl screamed as the chimp grabbed her by the nuts.

Out of nowhere the chimp ripped her testicles off, making Pearl howl in ungodly pain as she got blood all over the floor.

"Uhh, that's kind of a bruh moment, not gonna lie." Leafy commented.

"I mean, I said it ages ago. Chimpanzees are fucking vicious, dude."

The chimp bent Pearl over one side of the table and began forcibly fucking her in the ass.

"HELP ME! OH GOD, PLEASE, HELP ME!" Pearl screamed.

"You know, chimpanzees have like ninety percent of the same DNA us humans do." Joe added.

"Dude, if I was a chimpanzee, I would do the exact same thing as Mr. Bananas there." Leafy replied.

The chimp then howled and REEEE'd as he busted inside Pearl's ass, then grabbing the Gem by her new sack and pounding her balls like a UFC fight gone wrong.

"OOOOOWWWIIIIIEEEEEEE! GET IT OFF! THIS HURTS SO MUCH WORSE THAN LAST TIME! AAAAGGGHHH!" Pearl could be heard yelling.

"Dude, I wish Conor McGregor would do something like that." Leafy commented.

"Well, ignoring the rules and all, it wouldn't be that effective for most fighters. You'd have to wrestle the guy down first. In Conor's case though, that guy could sniff lines of coke off a samurai sword." Joe half-joked.

"Y'know, uh, I've never sniffed lines before, but I have done some crazy shit besides that. This one time, Pyrocynical and I had gay sex while he was dressed up like that one bitch from Metroid." Leafy replied.

"SOMEONE HELP ME! MY BALLS WERE BLACK AND BLUE MINUTES AGO!" Pearl yelled.

Pearl's domes were repeatedly shattered by the angry chimp, while she was bawling her eyes out and snot was pouring down her nose from the horrifying pain she was in.

"Wait, he was the bottom, right?" Joe asked, completely ignoring Pearl.

"Ch'yeah dude, he sucked and let me fuck. It was lit." Leafy answered.

"Didn't you take a couple nudes of yourself a while back, too? Like, your balls and gaping asshole?" Joe asked again.

*Editor's note: This actually happened.*

"I mean yeah dude, happens to everyone. I'm dom as fuck these days though." Leafy replied.

"Did you ever think about becoming a trap yourself?" Joe questioned.

"Nah, dude, nah, but I do keep seeing weird K-Pop fancams of me and Fanboy and Chum Chum."

*Editor's note 2: This actually does happen.*

LeafyIsHere and Joe Rogan had a very shitpost-y yet heartfelt conversation for the next two and a half hours or so while Pearl got maimed in various, hilarious ways by the angry chimp.

A/N: Looks like Pearl's quest for a job continues.


	8. Chapter 8: Pearl vs Spinel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl works at Medieval Times.

Hey guys here's the next ball-busting chapter for Pearl!

Chapter 8: Pearl vs. Spinel

After recovering from the chimp attack on the Joe Rogan Show, Pearl looked at job offerings and found a new job: shoveling horse shit at Medieval Times.

"I hate my life… and my balls still ache." Pearl thought to herself.

(Later, at Medieval Times… )

Pearl is wearing tights and shoveling horse poop.

"Uuuuughhhhhh Rarity how can you poop so much? You're supposed to be the clean one!" Asked Pearl.

"Sorry dear, I was constipated and had to take a laxative." Said Rarity.

"Better going in than coming out I guess…" Pearl said to herself.

"Hey Pearl! One of our knights isn't feeling good, you're gonna have to take his place." Said the manager.

"Huh? What happened?" Pearl asked.

*"I ATE RARITY'S LAXATIVES BY ACCIDENT! I JUST NEEDED MY ALLERGY SHIT, AAAAHHH!"* The Knight shouted as loud squirting noises could be heard from the bathroom.

"Why yes I would love to joust!" Said Pearl as she was about to leave.

"Ahem…..after you finish picking up after Pinkie Pie next." Said The Manager.

"Oh…...okay." Said Pearl.

Upon entering Pinkie's stall, Pearl was overcome by poop fumes causing Pearl to gag.

*"ICK!"* Said Pearl as she pinched her nose.

"Sorry! I had Taco Bell today." Said Pinkie.

"I caramba." Said Pearl.

As the Gem started shoveling the crap, Pinkie had a request.

"Hey, can you clean my butthole? I'm all out of toilet paper. Thanks!" Pinkie asked, flipping her tail up.

Reluctantly, Pearl grabbed some toilet paper and thoroughly cleaned Pinkie's poop chute.

Pearl really, really wanted to shatter her own Gemstone by this point.

*"Keep calm Pearl, think of Robo Rose and all the sexy fun you'll have with her this week."* Pearl thought to herself while scooping up more of Pinkie Pie's waste.

"Hey Pearl, some incel dragon named Spike flashed his chode at Rarity and now she has PTSD." Said the manager.

Spike is being arrested.

"AW COME ON I WAS ONLY GONNA GIVE HER THE TIP!" Said Spike as he was driven to jail.

Rarity walked over, she looked horrified.

"It…..was….so…...tiny. Not Pearl tiny but….still tiny." Said Rarity.

"Anyway, you're gonna have to ride Pinkie Pie." Said the manager.

Pearl looked at Pinkie Pie with sweat on her face and a nervous look in her eyes.

"Can… can I ride you?" Pearl asked.

"Well, now that my spine recovered from carrying Amy Schumer's whale body while filming a horse jockey film, sure!" Pinkie replied.

And so, Pearl rode out on Pinkie Pie, the noblest of crackhead steeds.

(Later)

Steven, Lapis and Peridot happened to be the main guests for the show and have the best seats in the house.

"S-S-STEVEN!?" Pearl shouted.

"Yup, and I brought my girls with me." Said Steven as he literally dressed like a king.

Steve has wrapped his arms around Lapis and Peridot while sitting on his throne like a boss.

"My my my, what a fine evening it is." Said Peridot as she planted her huge ass on the chair.

"Oh, King Steven, thank you for taking us." Said Lapis as her dress didn't cover her GG-sized boobs.

Steven liked boobs. He liked them a lot!

"Anytime, my fair maiden." Said Steven as he playfully cupped one of her tits and nipples.

"Oh Steven!" Giggles Lapis.

*"Oh Steven."* Pearl mocked under her breath.

"Haters gonna hate." Lapis replied, everyone laughing at Pearl.

"Well….okay then. So, who wishes to joust with me?" Said Pearl.

"ME YOU GIRL-STEALING CUNT!" Roared a voice.

"WHO SAID….oh." Said Pearl.

From the shadows came Spinel. Spinel looked somewhere between furious and livid.

"YOU STOLE PINK FROM ME!" Roared Spinel.

"I did? Oh shit, that's right…" Pearl replied.

"TURN YOUR SECONDARY FLASHBACK GEM ON!" Spinel shouted.

Pearl twisted her belly button and suddenly remembered everything.

(Flashback to the year Somewhere B.C… )

Spinel has been Pink Diamond's loyal Jester.

"Why did the Feminist cross the road? Cuz there's only two genders!" Said Spinel as she made Pink laugh.

"Oh Spinel you know how to touch my funny bone!" Laughed Pink.

"Anytime my Diamond! Also, the following isn't a joke: My Pink Diamond, will you marry me?" Asked Good Spinel as she presented a ring.

"Why yes I will! But first I need to take care of something. Please wait here." Said Pink.

(Later that evening… )

"Hey Pink I've been waiting a long time but…"

Suddenly, Spinel opens the door to see Pearl giving Pink Diamond a Pacific Rim Job. No not the awesome Del Toro film with the shitty DeKnight sequel, we mean ass eating.

"PINK WHY?!" Asked Spinel.

"Sorry Spinel, but I need anilingus and since you can't perform it, I hired Pearl." Said Pink.

"Yup she's my Diamond now loser!" Taunted Pearl.

Devastated, Spinel grabs the rings, runs but trips, her knee is scrapped and she limps away crying.

She returns the Rings and buys some ice cream with 4 Loko. She gets sick, upchucks into the toilet and passes out near Said toilet, sobbing her eyes out.

(Flash back to reality!)

"Oh….shit that's right." Said Pearl, with regret in her voice.

"Thanks to you…...I lost everything." Said Angry Spinel, a single tear down her cheek.

Using her index finger she wipes Said tear drop and flings it at Pearl's junk at lightning speed. It pierces the armor Pearl was wearing, along with her nutsack and ruptures Pearl's stones.

Pearl has a high pitch scream as she falls and covers her mangled nuts so they can heal.

"YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOWWWWWWCH! FUCKING FUCKITY FUCKBALLS! HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?!" Roared Pearl.

"Cuz I'm Spinel, the (former) happy go lucky Jester whose life you shattered the moment you stuck your feminazi tongue up Pink's asshole. Once I beat you I'll be added to Steven's Harem while your cock and ball torture of an existence continues without end! I don't care how many Knights I have to defeat, PEARL THE ACCIDENTAL SEX OFFENDER, I HEARBY CHALLENGE YOU TO A JAUST!" Said Spinel.

"Okay but aside from being added to the Harem, if I win, you have to leave and never return." Said Pearl.

"Fine but if I win, not only am I added to Steven's Harem but you have to wear a chastity belt for a week!" Said Spinel.

"DEAL." Said Pearl as they shook hands.

Pearl gets ready and sees Robo Rose in the Audience wearing a Medieval MAGA dress and helmet.

Suddenly a weird looking druid fortune teller guy approached Pearl and looked at her crotch area.

"Much testicular pain awaits you in the future." The Druid said.

"Uh…" Pearl replied, backing away slowly and turning back to Robo Rose.

"Well Rose, have you a handkerchief I could ride out to battle with?" Asked Pearl.

Robo Rose prints out a picture of Warren with an X over it for Pearl.

"WARREN IS NOT NATIVE AMERICAN! SHE EXPLOITS NATIVE AMERICANS!" Said Robo Rose.

Pearl got a very annoyed look from this.

"I can tell your future… you will claim to be Native American to get out of prison." The Druid said to Pearl.

"You'd better listen to him LIBERAL, he is a fortune teller." Robo Rose added.

Though annoyed, Pearl still rides with the picture.

As the match started, the two commentators got their stuff ready.

"Greetings, everyone! My name is Twilight Sparkle!" One commentator exclaimed.

"And My name is the Great and Powerful Trixie!" The other announcer… announced.

"We're coming to you live, from Canterlot High! In this legendary installment of Jousting for Dummies, Pearl will take on our current champion, Spinel!" Human Twilight announced.

"This will be a good one, Twi! Now then, lets give a warm reception to Steven, Lapis and Peridot as well!" Said Human Trixie as everyone applauded said guests of honor.

Steven bows while Lapis and Peridot curtsy.

"Hello Steven how goes it?" Said Twilight.

"'Tis goes well, tonight my Harem shall growith!" Said Steven all king-like.

"And Peridot, Nice asset." Said Twi.

"Why thanks! I use thy asset like a portable seat!" Said Peridot giving her tush a playful spank.

"And Lapis, nice maidens." Said Twi and Trix.

"Aw I thank-ith you with shaking my naked maidens for all to see!" Said Lapis as she put her arms around her head and shook her GG cups.

Everyone applauded.

"This should be an exciting event right Trixie?" Asked Human Twilight.

"Absolutely Twi! Tonight's match involves payback." Said Human Trixie.

"Yup! And now the contenders, in one corner you have the ex Crystal Gem who's a sex offender with a tiny ding-a-ling, Pearl." Said Twilight without any hype whatsoever.

"Also, she's riding Pinkie Pie! Who for some reason is a pony." Trixie added.

As Pearl rides in, she is wearing cheap Turk armor and the flag attached to her spear is a Feminist flag.

The crowd boos.

"I didn't even know there was a feminist flag! Didn't the Union states always say losers don't get participation trophies?" Trixie asked.

"I AM WOMAN!" Cried Pearl.

"Is she?" Asked Trixie.

Twilight shrugged.

The crowd, of course, laughed at Pearl.

"In the other corner, she lost Pink to Pearl, can stretch *any* body part, is a natural at Twister and has mastered the Karma-sutra, please welcome Spinel!" Said Twi.

Spinel enters riding a White Rhino you'd see in some shit out of *300*.

"Wow Twi, look at the quality of that armor! It's like you made it from Minecraft Diamonds!" Human Trixie shouted.

"Hopefully Pearl there doesn't get hit in the nuts with that jousting… thing!" Human Twilight added as she pointed out Spinel not even using jousting equipment, more like a pike.

Before she could fight Pearl, Spinel fought several holo Pearls and beat them all. Each of the kills were blows to the crotch causing Pearl to flinch each time.

Spinel was wearing good Deus Vault armor, had a Rhino steed, was blasting Sabaton's *"Winged Hussars"* and her banner was of Pearl getting kicked in the nuts.

The other knights defeated, nothing stood between Spinel and Pearl.

"FOR PINK! AND HER PINK HOLE YOU SNATCHED FROM ME!" Roared Spinel.

"Wait, which hole?" Pinkie asked, flipping her tail up to check her horse genitals. This distracted both her and Pearl.

"Wait WHA—NO NOT YOU! PINK DIAMOND, NOT PINKIE PIE!" Pearl shouted.

"No no it's fine, a lot of weird guys like staring at my area down there! It must be really interesting, I'll check it out myself!" Pinkie replied, staring at her junk some more.

"I don't think that horse passed Sex Ed." Trixie commented.

"Wow! Spinel is out for revenge, justice and punishment." Said Twi.

"I find it hard to believe she wouldn't be, after that video footage got leaked." Trixie added.

"Wait, WHAT VIDEO LEAK?" Pearl Yelled, further distracting herself from a pissed off Spinel being about to charge at her with a deadly weapon.

"Absolutely, if anyone stole my lil Twi' I would hunt them down and make them suffer. No one cock blocks the Great and Horny Trixie!" Said Trixie, ignoring Pearl.

Everyone just stared at Trixie, including Twilight.

"...Sorry." Said Trixie.

"No worries." said Twi as she gave Trixie a quick kiss.

"Mmmmmm thx, my room later?" Said Trix.

"Count on it babe. LET THE JOUST BEGIN!" Twi yelled to the audience..

As the two Joust, Pearl thinks to herself *"Okay Pearl you can do this, you are strong, you are brave, you are a warrior….."*

Like clockwork, Spinel's lance-pike hit Pearl square in the nuts and knocked the sex offender on the ground.

"AAAAHHH THEY'RE BLEEDING NOW!" Pearl yelled, immediately starting to roll around in pain.

"Wow Spinel knocked Pearl off Pinkie Pie!" Said Twilight.

"Badass! Now Pearl has to fight on foot!" Said Trixie.

Just as Pearl was getting back up, Spinel dismounted and brandished her sword.

Pearl brought up her Spear but Spinel parry's the attack, hits Pearl with a shield to the face and stabs Pearl in the balls.

Dropping her weapons, Pearl screams like a banshee passing a kidney stone, slumps and cries on the ground.

The crowd applauds Spinel as she turns back into Good Spinel.

A testicularly charged Pearl is pissed and slaps Spinel across her cute face.

"*Gasp* Who the fuck would slap someone like that?!" Said Twi.

"An unsportsmanlike cunt named Pearl!" Added Trix.

Getting slapped by Pearl caused Good Spinel to become Scary Spinel.

After a brief moment, Pearl ran and got back Pinkie.

"...Sugar." Said Spinel.

Before Pearl could react, Pony Pinkie's Eyes lit up.

"SUGAR?! WHERE?!" Yelled Pinkie.

"Uh oh, Turns out the word Sugar causes Pinkie to have a severe sugar high." Said Human Twilight.

"This is gonna be good." Said Human Trixie with a smile.

Pinkie starts bucking her hips while prancing up and down. Pearl is struggling to hold onto the crackhead Pinkie Rodeo. With a huge buck, Pearl is lifted a foot up and lands on the Pinkie's saddle hard, hurting her nuts.

"Aaaaaaaaarg!" Said Pearl as her grip on the reins weakened and she was thrown off the saddle and fell to the ground, her armor and nuts damaged.

Pearl gets up and gets into a boxing stance. She is able to dodge Spinel's punch with a smirk, only for Spinel's extended arm to summon a blade, retract and cut Pearl's lower garments. As the garments fall, Pearl's chode and sissy sack hang vulnerably.

"EEK!" Said a blushing Pearl.

"Wow look at how tiny and shriveled her nuts are!" Said Twi.

"Yeah! And her chode looks like an outie belly button!" Added Trix.

"MY NUTS ARE SMALL BECAUSE YOU KEEP DESTROYING THEM! THE SPERM TAKES TEN MINUTES TO COME BACK!" Pearl shouts.

Everyone laughs at Pearl.

As Pearl frantically tried to cover up, Spinel socked her gut and landed a volley of blows with her stretchy limbs. While trying to block the blows, Spinel grabs a huge Morning Star Mace and uses it to uppercut Pearl's balls.

"AAAAAAAAAAHH!" Pearl screamed.

"OOOOOHHH! A CROTCH BLOW!" Trixie announced.

"She must have taken classes from the Ric Flair school of wrestling!" Twilight added.

With a whistle Spinel called her Rhino.

Pearl tries to limp away from the living tank but finds the rhino impaling her with both of its horns. The smaller one to her ass and the bigger to her crotch.

"AAAAAAAHH I'M BEING DOUBLE PENETRATED!" Screamed Pearl as the Rhino thrashed it's head around, causing more damage and spraying blood everywhere.

"Kinky." Said Trix.

"Mmmm." Said Twi.

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" Pearl gasmed before hanging limp from the painful Rhino horn sex.

Satisfied, the Rhino flung Pearl and sent the sex offender face-first into a pile of horse shit.

Pearl tries to keep her mouth closed but Spinel does a running curb stomp on Pearl's groin.

Unable to hold it, Pearl opened her mouth to scream, unintentionally allowing horse fecal matter inside her mouth.

Once that was done, people applauded Spinel as she was inducted into Steven's Harem.

Pearl crawls out and tries to limp away but Pinkie accidentally kicked her crotch as the sugar high dies down.

"OH GOD WHYYYYY!?" Pearl yelled, tears streaming down her poopy face now.

As the sex offender curls in a ball, her opponent looks at her and smiles.

"Now there's one more thing." Said Spinel with a laugh.

(Pearl's shack)

Cleaned up, a sobbing Pearl with puppy dog eyes can only look at Rose Bot, but can't fuck her due to the chastity belt.

"...this week is gonna fucking suck." Said a choked up Pearl.

A/N: Can Pearl survive chastity for a whole week? Tune in next time to find out!


	9. Chapter 9: Blue Balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having lost a bet, Pearl must wear a chastity belt for a week.

A/N: As Pearl recovers from the Joust, she must endure blue balls.

Chapter 9: Blue Balls

It had been a couple days and Pearl was already crazy from her chastity belt.

“Rose Bot, had I not lost that bet, I’d ravish you.” Said a Blue Balled Pearl. 

“No worries, I have acquired a job at FOX NEWS, I’ll be home at 10:00 pm.” Said Rose Bot.

“.....Okay.” Said Pearl, While she wasn’t glad, she didn’t feel like fighting it.

“I must go. Tucker Carlson needs me.” Rose Bot stated calmly as she walked out the door.

As Rose Bot left, a marathon of steamy lesbian movies came on. But due to the chastity belt, Pearl couldn’t fap.

“Sorry, maybe sometime next week.” Said Pearl as she switches channels.

But each channel had fitness equipment and BBW’s working out, this in no way made the situation any better. 

“Well so much for T.V.” Said Pearl as she turned off the television and went to sleep, the cold metal chastity belt encasing her crotch, reminding her she can’t have wet dreams tonight.

The following week took a serious toll on Pearl and as a result, developed blue balls.  
Everywhere Pearl looked, she saw perverted stuff: BBW’s wearing less clothing now that summer has started, women in jogging pants with camel toes, and topless Lapis shaking her cans at Pearl.

“Aw Pearl, why the long face?” Lapis asked with a smile.

“.......I lost the bet and now I have to wear a chastity belt for a week.” Said Pearl.

“Sucks to be you.” Taunted Lapis.

“You can say that again. Before getting the Bot I had very little “personal time” and when I finally got it, I’m stuck in this cock-blocking contraption!” Said Pearl. 

“Well you shouldn’t have accepted that bet or stolen Pink from Spinel to begin with.” Said Lapis, Arms crossed under her massive melons, her equally perfect nips at full attention.

“I know, and the worst part is I can never take it back. Not only do I live with cock and ball torture, I also have to live with the guilt of ruining Spinel’s, Connie’s and Steven’s lives!” Said Pearl all sad.

“Oh no you poor thing, that must be unbearable. But don’t you worry hon’, I know how to take your mind off that.” Said a concerned Lapis.

“Really? What is…”

All of a sudden Lapis kicked Pearl in the crotch with a giant water boot.

“AAAAAAAHHHH. LAPIS WHY?!?!?!?!” Howled Pearl, and since she was wearing the belt, it hurt more than usual.

“What? It did the trick right?” Asked Lapis as she jiggled her boobs.

“Yes and……...no.” Wept Pearl.

“Oh well, anyway I gotta go. Lots of places to go, dicks to erect and people to flash. Sayonara Pearl!” Said Lapis as she strutted off, her boobs bringing happiness to everyone. She was a breasty Barney the Dinosaur and would’ve loved to harm Pearl even more, she needed to run an errand for Steven.

As Lapis left, Pearl had to put up with more sexual frustration. Her nuts were overpopulated with swimmers due to her belt, and couldn't evict them. While she could still pee, rubbing was out of the question.

“I have no freedom, yet I must fap.” Said Pearl as her balls began to swell.

Pearl had to deal with sex withdraw until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“I don’t care what Spinel says, I AM GOING TO RID MYSELF OF THIS INFERNAL BELT!” Said Pearl.

Going to her local Ace Hardware, she got a hammer and paper clips.

“Hello I need the biggest hammer you have along with some nails please.” Said Pearl.

She used the clip as a lock pick and freed herself. Then she used the hammer to smash,and smash, and smash the cruel device until it was destroyed.

“Yes I’m Free!” Said Pearl as her Feminist Willy sprang to life.

(Elsewhere)

Happy Spinel is minding her own business sleeping with Steven, Lapis, and Peridot all naked in bed when an Imperial Star Destroyer alarm blares in her mind which somehow woke everyone up.

“That cheating bitch!” Said Spinel, sensing and knowing damn well that Pearl wouldn’t live up to the bet. After getting permission from Steven, Spinel went out to punish Pearl.

Spinel jumped up and saw her call to action. She made sure to grab her Extra-Strength Dick Flattener™ to use on Pearl, before leaving.

(Pearl)

Before she could relieve herself, there was a knock at the door.

Putting her pants on, she answered it, only to get covered in a black bag.

Loud thumping could be heard as Spinel dragged Pearl to a storage room to have fun! Yay!

Also, Pearl became unconscious because Spinel hit her on the head with a five iron! She didn’t want to ruin the surprise!

Pearl wakes up to Happy Spinel and notices she’s clad in dominatrix gear. Pearl of course is dressed like a gimp.

“Hey Pearl I saw you couldn’t keep your bet.” She said smiling as she held up the broken chastity belt.

Pearl tries to explain, “Look Spinel, you have to let go…..” 

“THAT’S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS BITCH!” Roared Spinel as she became angry and grabbed Pearl’s junk.

“YIPE!” Said Pearl.

“Say Pearl, do you know the difference between a boar and a bar?” Asked Spinel.

“I….can’t say I know a difference.” Said a Scared Pearl.

“Well Pearl,a bar is a boar that has been castrated!” Said Spinel with a sadistic smile.

“Ca…...ca……..castrated????” Asked Pearl, her Nuts trying to pull themselves closer to her body.

“Yup! Good old fashioned castration! You see, boars are aggressive and dangerous but by removing a boar’s testes, it becomes docile. This can be done by knives, tools and even small rubber bands!” Answered Spinel.

“I….uh…Spinel…..about my balls…. wow, rubber bands??” Pearl tries to reason.

“Well let’s try it out!” Said Spinel as she quickly whips out a band and applies it. “YIPE!” Says Pearl. “So fear the pressure?” Said Spinel. Pearl’s balls die and fall off, she screams like an opera singer as her balls grow back, only for Spinel to summon her blade and castrate Pearl again.

Pearl squeals like a nutless pig.

“AAAAAAAAAHHH I’M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!” Squealed Pearl.

“FUN’S NOT OVER YET PEARL!” Said Spinel as she poured some hot wax on Pearl’s regenerating balls.

Pearl let out a screeching wail as if her nuts had been covered in lava.

Spinel then held a coffee mug to Pearl’s face and drank her tears while she laid kneeling on the ground.

“Yummy!” Said Spinel.

Stepping up her game, Spinel put a red ball gag on Pearl’s mouth and a black mask on her face. (No, not the Batman villain)

“Aw does widdle Peawl fewl wike a widdle bitch?” Teased Spinel.

Pearl just Sobbed.

Spinel just grabbed Pearl’s junk.

“ANSWER ME YOU CUNT!” Roared Spinel.

Pearl nodded through muffled cries.

“Oh wait sorry!” Said Happy Spinel as she undid the ball gag.

“Yes…..I’m a little bitch just please end it!” Said Pearl.

“Aw but we’re just getting started.” Said Spinel as she pulled up a huge paddle.

But this wasn’t intended for Pearl’s rear end, Spinel gripped Pearl’s ball sack tightly and gave a nice tap, tap, tap…….and then a huge whack.

Pearl’s eyes began to water as she let out a loud cry.

“AAAAAAAHHHHH OH OH OH AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Pearl screamed, she was gasping for air as she tried to curl up but due to being bound up couldn’t.

Pearl’s balls were screaming with pain.

“Oh I never knew you were a boy!” Said Spinel.

“I’m not a boy…..boys are…...icky…...I’m a proud woman!” Said Pearl.

“Riiiiiight…….anyway Pearl…...how bad do you want to get out of this?” Asked Spinel.

“Very badly, please!” Begged Pearl.

“Well……..okay then……” Said Spinel.

Pearl’s ready Eyes lit up. “Oh thank…..”

“But…….you gotta suck Andy’s toes.” Said Spinel.

Pearl’s Hope was shattered as she turned around and saw a clothed Andy perched on a large crate, missing his shoes and socks. 

“C’mon Pearl, clean and suck my toes with your mouth and tongue.” Andy chuckled.

Pearl just whimpered and got to work licking/sucking Andy’s toes.

“AHAHAHAHAHA HOW SO THEY TASTE YOU SNOWFLAKE?! HA!!! AND DON’T FORGET BETWEEN MY TOES! HAHAHA!” Andy laughed.

While Andy didn’t have a foot fetish, he did love the idea of having Pearl do it to his toes.

“Please Andy I can’t do it.” Said Pearl.

“Well, maybe this will motivate you.” Said Spinel as she reached over, grabbed Pearl’s sack and spanked it. (No Homo)

“WAAAAAAAH!” Pearl cried.

“You Pearls think you can come here and steal everything from us hard working Americans?!” Andy asked.

“NOOOOO PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE!” Begged Pearl.

“GOOD NOW LICK BETWEEN MY TOES!” Ordered Andy.

And with that, Pearl did as she was told.

(Later that day… ) 

“Yup I’d say she about learned her lesson.” Said Andy.

“Awesome!” Said Spinel.

Pearl just wept.

“Well I’ll be going now, take care!” Said Andy as he got in his car with Conservative bumper stickers and drove off.

“Okay Pearl, you can leave now.” Said Spinel.

As Pearl started to walk out the door, John Cena‘s theme song started playing.

Spinel started sprinting and quickly wound up a kick, decking Pearl in the nuts as hard as she could. Pearl’s testes both quickly turned black and blue.

“AAAAAGGGHHH!!!” Pearl screamed, crossing her legs and hopping around like a retarded kangaroo.

“Oh by the way, here’s that Extra-Strength Dick Flattener™ I mentioned earlier, MUAHAHAHAHA!” Laughed Spinel as she slammed her ball buster on Pearl’s nuts causing her to scream before falling silent.

“All…..I know…...is pain.” Pearl Said All Hans Moleman-like, but way more pathetic.

“Have a nice day!” Spinel said goodbye.

Pearl was still naked, of course.

A/N ouch that was a doozy for Pearl, Happy Memorial Day Everyone!


	10. Zippers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl has to piss very bad but gets into trouble.

Chapter 10: Zippers

A/N: Hey guys sorry for the long wait but Minor and I have decided a path for Pearl to take. ‘Tis a path of treachery, and of ballbusting glory… 

It had been a while since Pearl had to suck Andy’s toes and having spent the last few months in doors, she worked up the courage to stop browsing Tumblr and venture out.

“Looks…..safe.” Said Pearl as she cautiously went outside, hands on her Nuts for protection.

Later that hot summer day, Pearl’s balls were sticking to her thighs and needed to cool off.

“Damn it’s a scorcher, roasting my chestnuts.” Said Pearl, who looks at a store.

“Well I may not like consuming stuff but if it works, it works.” Said Pearl as she bought a bottle of water and drank it.

“Mmmmmm that was…..(stops) oh what’s this feeling???” Asked Pearl.

“Oh you gotta go to the bathroom.” Said Lars who was the cashier.

“Okay, um… can I please use yours?” Asked Pearl.

“Employees only.” Said Lars.

“Oh….wow I really gotta go, can’t I just pee in the bushes?” Said Pearl and she had a painful look while doing the pee dance.

“Do that and you’ll be a dinner bell for the cops, you pedo bitch.” Said Lars.

“Shit what can I do?” Begged Pearl.

“Look for a nearby bathroom.” Said Lars.

“Okay thanks!” Said Pearl as she hopped outside.

“You think she’ll make it?” Asked Sadie, entering the scene.

“Meh, either that or something more shitty.” Said Lars.

(Town)

From occupied to out of order, Pearl had a hard time finding a toilet.

“My… Shenis…….Nuts……….and bladder…..are on fire……” wept Pearl.

Then she found a public restroom and limped on in.

As she undid her zipper and answered the call to nature, she cleared her mind.

“WHEW! Now that the pain has subsided, I can go home and relax, my luck is changing!”

With the last drip, Pearl turned around and noticed a child.

“Hey little guy what are you…...oh.” Said Pearl realizing her unit was hanging out.

The kid ran away screaming to his parents.

Realizing the huge shit she got herself into, Pearl frantically pulled her zipper up.

A LOUD zipping and squishing noise echoed through the bathroom as Pearl got the zipper caught on her junk.

A/N: Don’t be like Pearl, always check before you zip.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Pearl screamed. As she stumbled out of the toilet and limped, each movement hurt her downstairs.

Several police officers could hear her in the background.

“Uh… Bob, am I crazy or is someone screaming in the bathroom?” Officer George asked.

“Sounds like someone is committing an act of pedophilia! Let’s beat the shit out of the culprit!” Officer Bob yelled, being unprofessional but in a way even Black Lives Matter would understand.

The cops had unfortunately mistaken Pearl’s cries for that of a little girl, which… actually wasn’t entirely inaccurate given Pearl’s personality.

Pearl then dove for a bush and hid as Bob, George and several other officers inspected the bathroom.

“Uhhhh… Bob, is this blood, piss, cum, or all 3?” Officer George asked.

Officer Bob couldn’t tell, but he cringed upon seeing a reddish-white-yellow pool of liquid in the bathroom, the liquid having obviously been dripped out for a while.

“Goddamn it… the kid must have been taken with the culprit! We have to seek justice, it’s our duty as police officers! This child rapist will be brought to justice!” Officer Bob yelled valiantly.

As she was leaving, Pearl came across a family having a picnic.

“Look, don’t worry! I’m your friend!” Said Pearl.

Pearl forgot that her now-mangled junk was hanging out.

The family looked horrified.

The family’s youngest son got curious and slapped the shit out of Pearl’s balls, causing much more pain than usual since they were already stuck in a zipper.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! OH MY GOD, WHYYYYYYY!!!??” Pearl shrieked in pure agony. She began to feel nauseous, like every nerve in her body was telling her to take a break from Life itself.

While on the ground in a horrifyingly painful fetal position, Pearl noticed she failed to cover her junk and tried to cover it as she got up and ran (or, limped in this case), the family screaming in terror.

As Pearl ran, every step hurt. Finding a tree she hid behind it. 

“Okay I just gotta pull down and-“

Suddenly Pearl pulled the zipper but mangled her junk even further, like that retardedly designed animatronic suit from Five Nights at Freddy’s.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Pearl screamed.

The pain was so great, Pearl’s life flashed before her eyes: Fetal Pearl, newborn Pearl crying after getting a spank for a response, first words being “WUV TWUMP’S HATE” (The Diamonds were disappointed), Pearl losing her VCard to an old grandma like fat lady, staring in a shitty-ass SJW show and somehow also inconsistently Neo-Nazi show where Lapis is the best and only good thing about SU (well also Peridot and I guess Spinel, but that’s besides the point), Pearl’s nuts going through Hell, people singing “It’s Over Isn’t It?” but purposely butchering it to mock Pearl, and all other shit, Pearl had a vision: after recovering (and with more restrictions from her latest mishap) Pearl made a revelation: she had parents.

“Argh… FUUUCK… I need to get to a hospital.” Pearl gritted her teeth.

Pearl began to slowly walk to the hospital, but was bumped into by a jogger.

“Whoops, sorry about that!” The Jogger yelled back.

“AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!” Pearl screamed in absolute agony, her balls and penis being twisted together in a bloody mess.

(Later, at the Hospital… )

Pearl is recovering at a hospital but is cuffed to the bed, no this isn’t any BDSM shit, but rather a police action to keep Pearl from escaping.

“So the kid slapped me as hard as he could downstairs, I cried, and it hurt a lot, then I accidentally maimed it with the zipper and it all just sort of went downhill…” Pearl sobbed.

“Oh… did he slap it like this?!” Amethyst asked before slapping the shit out of Pearl’s nuts.

“AAAAHHHH!! THEY ALREADY ACHE FROM EARLIER, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!?” Pearl screamed, trying to get herself in a body position where nobody could slap her balls.

“Well… I guess she passed the reflex test.” Connie’s mom replied (we don’t feel like saying her full name for this epic tale every time we mention her).

Lapis, Peridot and Spinel rushed into the room wearing sexy nurse outfits. Lapis’ boobs were exposed as always, Peridot’s ass was out in the open and Spinel’s pussy on full display, clit erect.

“Uhh Nurse Priyanka, could you please protect me?” Asked Pearl.

“Pretty hard to protect someone who stole my baby’s virginity.” Said Connie’s mom, referring to Pearl Accidentally violating Said daughter.

“........Oh…….shit.” Said Pearl.

Steven entered the room dressed as a doctor. 

“Sorry for earlier.” Said Connie’s mom for hitting his nuts in the last story.

“No worries.” Said Steven as he groped her butt.

“Mmmmmm thanks for watching me while my hubby’s away, after we torture this virginity stealing probable child raping cunt, I’ll give you your friends there some “check ups.” Said Connie’s Mom.

“That would be lovely.” Replied Steven.

Connie’s Mom opened an armory filled with nightmarish tools, as if they were designed to maim and torture.

“Thanks Priyanka.” Said Steven. (Okay maybe this one time we call her name)

“Anytime, Stud.” Said Connie’s Mom.

Steven ripped Pearl’s blanket off showing her twitching, shaking chode… no homo.

“Steven…...what are you doing with that scalpel….?”

Steven then fucking flung the spinning scalpel at Pearl’s sissy schlong.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Screamed Pearl as a good-sized chunk of it was cut off.

“Wow, I forgot how much fun it was to play ‘toss the scalpel’! Just like those girls in latex did a while ago!” Steven exclaimed.

“Ahaha, I remember the security camera footage of that getting on the news… somehow that hospital didn’t get sued for malpractice…” Connie’s mom added.

Lapis, Peridot and Spinel hold scorecards with “11” written on them.

“Nice shot, though.” Said Connie’s Mom.

“Anytime.” Said Steven.

Just then Peridot had an idea.

“Hey, we should do a project for my three-dimensional art class with Pearl’s penis!” Peridot shouted.

“Great idea!” Lapis replied.

Pearl’s eyes went wide.

“You know, maybe that one right-wing speaker made a decent point about defunding universities…” Pearl thought to herself.

Peridot grabbed the scalpel out of Steven’s hand, making Pearl freak out.

“H-Hey! What are you gonna do with that!!?” Pearl yelled.

Using her magnetism, Peridot angled the scalpel against Pearl’s cock, squinting a bit to get the positioning right. Suddenly she sliced in, eliciting a scream of pain from Pearl.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT?! - I’M SUING FOR MALPRACTICE!! YOU’RE NOT LICENSED DOCTORS!!” Pearl shrieked.

“What, are you questioning my womanly medical advice?” Replied Peridot smugly.

“I… THAT’S NOT FAIR AND YOU KNOW IT!!” Pearl screamed.

Ignoring Pearl, Peridot began to carve a Trump figure out of Pearl’s healed penis. Pearl grit her teeth and howled in pain with every cut. After a few minutes, the sculpture was finished.

“My…..shenis…...is liberal……..not conservative.” Wept Pearl.

“DON’T QUESTION MY EFFEMINATE ARTISTIC CHOICES!!” Peridot scolded.

“Man, you’re gonna get an A++ for that one!” Spinel chuckled, taking a picture to submit to the university’s website for grading later.

“My Turn.” Said Lapis as she stabbed Pearl’s feminist chode with a shitload of syringes containing numerous painful toxins.

“OOOOOOWWWWW!” Roared Pearl.

“Don’t worry they were clean.” Said Lapis as she put the now dirty needles in a biohazard container.

“Thanks Lapis.” Said Connie’s Mom.

“Anytime Hun’.” Said Lapis as she jiggled her bare boobs.

“If I wasn’t in so much pain…...I’d honestly fap to that.” Admitted Pearl as she looked at Lapis.

“Aw the bitch likes my boobs?” Said Lapis as she poured cream on them and licked, sucked and fondled her perfect melons along with her nipples.

“Yes, but the more I look the more it hurts.” Pearl wept as she tried to get hard but was still recovering.

“Oh how about this?” Asked Lapis as she strutted up to Spinel and made out with her all lesbo style causing everyone in the room to cheer, Spinel kissed Lapis and her boobs.

“Shit plz, stop.” Begged Pearl.

“But we thought you loved lesbian action?” Moaned Spinel in between scissoring Lapis.

“I do! It’s just that being aroused causes more blood to go to my dick.” Said Pearl as her dick was painfully erect and healed.

At that point both Spinel and Lapis climax, make out and giggle, this only caused Pearl to be more aroused but more scared of getting hurt.

“Poor Pearl, hope this helps.” Said Spinel.

Then Pearl saw Spinel produce a cute box thinking they contained flowers. 

Through all of her screams and groans of pain, Pearl mustered out, “Aw thanks Spinel, I’m glad you’ve finally decided to bury the hatchet…..”

Much to Pearl’s dismay, it was actually a very prickly cactus. 

Spinel then whacked Pearl’s already pained junk with the spiky plant.

“GODDAMN IT, WHY??? HAVEN’T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?????” Pearl wailed in sheer agony.

“NO!” Spinel decided, hitting Pearl in the stones again with the cactus and leaving spikes covering it.

“AAAAAAHHHHH!!” Pearl howled.

Spinel whacked her nuts over and over with the pain plant, each whack causing Pearl’s face to painfully contort.

“WAAAAAAAAH!” Cried Pearl as her junk began to look like a pincushion.

“Hey guys, check this out! I got it from a buddy of mine!” Steven shouted, holding a giant hammer in his hands.

Pearl’s eyes grew wide as she noticed sparks of electricity coming out of it.

“I think it was called Milojinnigga, er… uh, Miloyjynirvana, something, I dunno.” Steven explained.

A blonde-haired woman poked her head in.

“It’s called Mjolnir, Steven.”

Pearl beamed upwards as she saw that the blonde lady was actually Brie Larson. Pearl didn’t care for the MCU aside from Captain Marvel.

“BRIE LARSON! PLEASE! SAVE ME!” Cried out Pearl.

“HEY!” Brie shouted, running into the room.

“Oh thank feminism! Brie Larson I love you!” Said Pearl.

“Do you have $1,000,000 and a nice trailer for me?” Brie asked snooty.

Pearl replied. “Well uh no…..”

“Fuck this.” Said Brie as she sucked a lollipop and flicked Pearl off before she left.

“...damn it. I wish Gal Gadot was here instead.” Said Pearl.

As our Hero Steven lifted the mighty hammer up and powered it with lightning, the half gem’s eyes lit up a light blue, and swung, whacking Pearl’s head as a practice shot.

Pearl became dizzy instantly from this, and started rambling to herself. “Please Rose……dump Greg, go to the abortion clinic abort Steven…..ya don’t know what kids are capa……”

This pissed Steven off, and he immediately hit Pearl in the nuts.

“AAAAAAH! FUCK! OOOOOWIE!” Cried Pearl as Steven started hammering Pearl’s nads. To make matters worse, Steven was a master at Whack a Mole. With skill and precision, Steven went all Thor on Pearl’s aching private’s. (No not sexually but violently.)

After several swings, Steven fired lightning from his hammer at Pearl’s crotch, causing Pearl to scream and pass out.

(Few hrs later.)

Pearl wakes up.

“Damn…..that sucked…..well at least this chapter is done.” Said Pearl as her junk finished healing.

In typical jinx fashion, Connie’s Mom showed up, with a canister of mysterious liquid.

“TIME FOR YOUR PENILE LIQUID NITROGEN BATH!” Connie’s Mom shouted spraying Pearl’s naked crotch with the liquid.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FUCKING GENITALS!!?” Pearl shrieked as the cold seeped in, freezing her junk to a complete icy standstill.

Without a second thought, Connie’s Mom pulled out a woodworking hammer and swung it at Pearl’s junk.

“YEAAAAAAAAAHHHGGGHHHHH!!!!! I SPOKE TOO SOON… FUUUUUUUUUUCK!” Screamed Pearl as her dick and nuts shattered into countless shards.

Later that day, Pearl went to Trial again, was found guilty and had to pay huge fines.

(Home) 

“Well, I still have some money left, better donate to Elizabeth Warren, she’s a progressive who will turn things around.” Pearl Said with a hopeful smile.

But as Pearl was about to donate, she got a message on her computer that Warren had ended her campaign. Without any refunds, of course.

Pearl facepalmed, but remembered something.

“Wait, that painful flashback at the hospital, I saw my parents, I should visit them!” Said Pearl with a smile, the pain in her Nuts subsiding momentarily… 

Then she remembered that she still didn’t have clothes on so Peridot showed up and kicked her Nuts with her limb enhancing boot.

“GAAAH WHY PERIDOT?!” Asked Pearl.

“Cuz I’m Peridot bitch.” Said Peridot as she clapped her ass cheeks on Pearl’s nuts.

“Defeated by Peridot’s ass……” moaned Pearl.

“Yup like in the show minus that bs ending of me winning but you killing the mood saying everyone's a winner.” Taunted Peridot.

“I……..remember…...well.” Sobbed Pearl.

After that, Pearl got up and contacted her lawyer, seeing if there was a way she could visit her parents.

A/N: Yup, again sorry for the long wait but things are back on track.


	11. Chapter 11: Family Jewels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl finally meets her long lost family, will they accept Pearl and her junk?
> 
> //Minorsmile: Extra-long post-hiatus chapter too!

A/N: Pearl finally meets her family!

Chapter 11: Family Jewels

Homeworld. The Land of Rump Rangers… The Realm of Eternal Faggotry… whatever you want to call it, really. It all applies, somehow. It's a very bizarre place.

With the U.S. government's permission, Pearl was allowed to find her parents, however, she was required to be monitored by police so she wouldn't try anything stupid.

Upon touching down, Pearl found her childhood home. Unfortunately, and tragically, it was torn down to make way for a Gem Brothel.

Pearl ran up to the manager and asked her what happened. The manager didn't seem to care all too much, she was texting away on her cellular device…

"HEY! What happened here?!" Pearl shouted to get the manager's attention.

"...huh?" The manager replied with a bit of confusion, then suddenly remembered something. "Oh! Right, you're Pearl, aren't 'ya? Well, after you went to Earth, your parents sold the house and split up."

"Oh, I'm sorry, do you know where I can find them?" Asked Pearl.

"Well, your father works in Phallic Town, and your Mom is in an all female biker gang." Said the Manager.

"Okay, uhh, thanks." Said Pearl, as she went to Phallic Town.

Pearl made her way through Phallic town, reflexively covering her crotch with her hands.

"Okay Pearl, this is the Boystown of Homeworld, you need to be extra careful." Pearl thought out loud.

Like clockwork, Regular Pearl was immediately jumped on a few familiar faces! These faces were Yellow Pearl and Blue Pearl. Before Regular Pearl could greet them or berate them for any support they hadn't already given to feminism, they both grabbed opposite ends of her junk and began yanking harshly, for… some reason.

"I want Pearl's junk!" Yellow Pearl shouted as she tugged on Regular Pearl's right testicle.

"OW! OH! STOP THAT!" Pearl shouted.

"No I want her junk!" Said Blue Pearl tugging Pearl's left testicle.

"YEOWCH! HEY, THOSE ARE - OUCH!" Pearl yelled again.

"HEY!" a familiar voice yelled in the background. It was White Pearl! "Since her junk can regenerate, why not slice it all off, let it regrow until we have sliced it three times, one for each of us?" White Pearl suggested.

Yellow Pearl and Blue Pearl agreed and drew blades. This, of course, freaked Pearl out.

"Uh… hey, ladies, this is Phallic Town, maybe we could buy some dildos and vib-"

Without thinking, or listening, Yellow Pearl slashed Regular Pearl's left testicle clean off.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Pearl howled.

"Goody! I got the longer end of the wishboner!" Said Yellow Pearl.

"Unngh… god, this hurts sooo muuuuuuuch…" Pearl wheezed. "At least I have my-"

"Yay! My turn!" Blue Pearl shouted, slicing Regular Pearl's right testicle clean off.

"AAAAAH! MY OTHER TESTICLE!" Screamed Pearl.

"Awesome!" Yellow Pearl exclaimed, with a few claps.

"This is barbaric…" Offender Pearl said to herself out loud.

Pearl went down to her knees and tried to catch her breath.

"Okay… they're both off… at least they didn't kick me there, cutting them off actually hurts a lot le-"

Swinging her blade, White Pearl cut Pearl's penis right off. This hurt Pearl a lot, as was expected.

"HYYYYEEEEEGGGYYYAAAAHHHHHH!" Screamed Pearl, as she got blood all over herself.

"I take it back, actually! This is fun!" Said White Pearl as she claimed Offender Pearl's dick.

The three Homeworld Pearls all headed home while Pearl sobbed, curled in a pool of her own blood… and cum.

"I need to buy an athletic…..cup." Pearl wept.

Later that day.

Upon arriving at her parents' house, Pearl rang the front doorbell. A bit of clopping on the floor could be heard as Pearl's father emerged. He looked very… girly. Sincere apologies to any marginalized groups this statement may offend. However, he did look girly.

"OH, PEARL! SWEETIE, YOU'RE HOME!" Yelled Pearl's Dad as he spun like a ballerina and hugged her.

"Uh. Hi, dad." Said Pearl as she hugged back awkwardly.

"Hey! Snowflake, our daughter's home!" Yelled Pearl's dad.

Right at that moment, a very butch-looking woman peered in through the doorway. She had to have been at least two… no, three hundred pounds, looked about six foot four, had a rather toned body too.

"Pearl! Oh, sweetheart! Give your mother a hug!" Said the loving, butch mother in a raspy voice, nearly crushing her daughter.

Pearl gasped, feeling like her eyes were popping out of their sockets. She could barely breathe!

As she finished her hug with her mom, she had one question. "Um. Guys? I thought you were divorced?"

"Well, we're in the process." Said Snowflake.

"Okay…..but….is it because of me?" Asked Pearl.

"Oh, no, sweetie not at all." Pearl's dad replied.

"You may be a disappointment, but you aren't the reason we divorced…...plus we still love you as our daughter." Said Snowflake.

"Aw thanks." Said Pearl.

"The reason your mother and I divorced is that I'm gay and she's a lesbian." Explained Pearl's Dad.

"Oh." Said a shocked Pearl.

"And Pearl, your mother and I saw your antics back on Earth and still accept you as our Daughter. Your Shenis and balls are also welcome." Said Pearl's Dad as he eyed her crotch.

"Aw thanks guys." Said Pearl.

"Yup, no problemo." Said Pearl's Dad.

Unfortunately, Pearl's dad accidentally knocked a lamp over. It sailed through the air at just the right angle to hit Pearl square in the sack.

"AAAAH! OH HO… fuck!" Screamed Pearl.

Pearl covered her crotch instinctively and hissed with pain, but luckily it didn't hit her hard enough to cause any real damage.

"DICKEY! YOU IDIOT!" Said Pearl's Mom Snowflake.

"Oh, whoopsie daisy! Sorry Pearl!" Pearl's dad, Dickey, nervously replied.

"It's okay, ow… accidents happen." Said Pearl.

"Also, you have a little brother!" Said Snowflake.

"Wow - ow, really? I've always wanted one!" Said Pearl.

"Oh, Hans! Your sister is here!" Said Snowflake.

Just then a skinhead boy Pearl walks down the stairs, he is covered in Nazi tattoos.

"How goes it, sweetie?" Pearl's Dad asked, sounding all girly.

"SUCK A DICK!" Hans shouted.

"Mmmmmmmm, that's a great idea, Hans! I do love me some good dick!" Said Pearl's Dad.

"Now, Hans, have you apologized to that friendly Jewish butcher for vandalizing his window?" Asked Snowflake.

"But Mom! He's a Jew that kills animals, meat is murder!" Said Hans.

"Now, uhh… wow, that is one hell of a centrist belief." Pearl thought to herself.

"Now, Hans, you know that's wrong, honey! I don't want to see you at one more Third Reich march until you apologize to that owner!" Said Snowflake.

"Whatever, mo-"

Suddenly, Hans saw Pearl for the first time.

"Hold on…" Hans pondered out loud. "Look, if you have some kid, it ain't mine..." Hans tried to explain.

"Oh, no, no, no, Hans, I don't have kids… and, also…..I'm your big sister!" Said Pearl nervously.

"...Wait…..I have a sister?" Asked Hans.

"...Yup!" Said Pearl.

"Wow, I have a sister! THANK YOU, MISTER ADOLF! SIEG HEIL!" Hans Saluted.

"Uhhhhhhh…..?" Pearl trailed.

Pearl had no idea what in the fuck was going on by this point.

"Oh, don't mind Hans, dear." Snowflake chuckled a bit. "We told him he could be whatever he felt was the best for him." Said Snowflake.

"And, out of all the possible career paths he chose to be a skinhead." Said Pearl's Dad.

"That's not a career path! Nobody pays anyone to be a Nazi!" Pearl shouted.

"Well, I'm sure you can understand with a bit of good old fashioned exposition! You see, honey, one day our baby boy was crying, so we picked a movie to watch. The troublesome bit was, it was Adolf Hitler's "Triumph of The Will." We realized it was bad, but when we turned it off, poor little Hans would bawl his eyes out so we put it back on." Explained Pearl's Dad.

"And you're… uhh… somehow okay with this?" Asked Pearl.

The parents look at each other nervously but said "Yeah." at the same time.

"Well…..I may hate skinheads, but my brother is part of all that stuff…it's unfortunate…. but, okay then." Pearl Admitted.

Hans began to beam with excitement.

"AWESOME! COME ON SIS, LETS PLAY SOME 'ETHNIC CLEANSING'!" Said Hans as he grabbed Pearl's arm and brought her to his room.

"D'aaaaawwww." Said their parents as they watched them run up the stairs.

(Han's Room)

Hans' whole room was adorned with Swastikas and SS flags, but also had a PETA poster saying "Meat is Murder" like the edgy Militant Vegan shitlord he was. There was also a custom poster he made saying "Gas Jews, Not Animals." And, last but certainly not least, he had a German propaganda of Herman Goering giving the Nazi salute to rabbits and other woodland critters. (Yes, this exists. No woodland creatures were harmed, luckily.)

"Well, Hans you have quite the uh collection." Said Pearl.

"Yup, did you know slaughter houses are run by Jews?" Asked Hans.

"Wow, I never… um… knew that." Said Pearl.

"Yup, and that's why I'm a Vegan." Said Hans as he tried to lift a copy of Mein Kampf off a table.

Hans couldn't lift it because of his protein-less Vegan diet, so he took a B-12 supplement and was finally able to lift up the evil book.

"It's nice that you're able to handle yourself." Said Pearl.

"Yup, I had some cavities, acne and even yellowish skin…..but not that type of yellow." Said Hans. Hans was obviously referring to Asian people.

"But… weren't the Japanese allied with Hitler?" Asked Pearl.

"That was out of convenience." Answered Hans.

"Okay then, so what's the object of this game?" Asked a nervous Pearl.

"Well you can play as a Klansman or a Skinhead and wipe out all the minorities." Explained Hans.

"Oh uh well….wow." Said a shocked Pearl.

"Oh! Shoot! I almost forgot to tell you! At the end of the game, there's a secret ending you get where you breed an Imperial Japanese woman! It gets you an achievement on Steam, it's called 'One of the Good Ones, and One of the Great Ones in Bed'!" Hans explained.

Pearl genuinely was at a loss for words. Luckily, Hans was there to pick up her conversational slack.

"So, you gonna pick Klansman, or Skinhead?" Asked Hans.

"Well uh…..is there a Klanswoman?" Asked Pearl.

Pearl couldn't help being a feminist. She felt the need to add women to everything, no matter the context.

"Nope, just Klansman. Anyway, I'll be Skinhead." Said Hans.

"...alrighty then." Said a nervous Pearl.

As they played Pearl got uncomfortable gunning down minorities. Screaming echoed through the subwoofers.

"OH! Get that power-up!" Hans pointed at the screen, where a little icon was.

"Huh? What's that do?" Pearl wondered.

"It gives you incendiary bullets! And when they come out of your gun, the fire on the bullets make them look like little flaming crosses!"

"Say, Hans? Can we do something else?" Asked Pearl.

"Sure." Said Hans.

After playing the controversial game, the two siblings watched TV and went to bed. Hans made the bed, and went to sleep. Pearl had no choice but to sleep with him.

Unfortunately for Pearl, by the time she fell asleep, she had started a few sexual thoughts… which kept going.

Suddenly, Pearl felt something against her dick. Of course, it was another dick…

"EEEEK!" Squeals Hans.

Pearl wakes up.

"Hans, did you have a bad dream…?"

"YOU PEGGED MY PENIS!" Cries Hans causing their parents to storm in.

"Mmmmmm Did some stud say penis….?...uh oh." Said Pearl's Dad.

"DOWNSTAIRS! NOW!" Barked Snowflake.

(Downstairs)

Snowflake is breast feeding Hans while Pearl and her Dad sit on the couch.

"HANS IS GOING TO NEED MORE THERAPY, AND I'M GOING TO PUNISH BOTH YOU TWO!" Said Snowflake.

"Wait why me as well?" Asked the Dad.

"Cuz of your perverted genes!" Said Snowflake as she removes her ex husband's and daughters bottoms.

"Oh no…." Said the Dad.

Snowflake and Hans used barb wire bats to crush Pearl's and her Dad's balls which could also regenerate.

"BATTER UP!" Said Hans as he crushed Pearl's nuts with the barbed wire bat. Due to his superhuman Gem strength, it caused both of her balls and some bloody bits to fly out of the sack.

"MY BASEBALLS!" Cried Pearl as she roared in pain, hands in between her legs as she rolled on the ground.

"Whooo! That's a home run… no, two!" Hans shouted.

Pearl wheezed and rolled around, getting the floor bloody.

Snowflake wore her Kaiser biker helmet with a spike on top, and leaped at Pearl's Dad, headbutting him in the balls using its spike.

"This isn't what I meant about penetration…..AAAAAHHH!" Screamed Pearl's Dad as Snowflake banged her spiked helmet head on his bloody crotch like she was at a rock concert.

As her balls healed, Pearl grabbed her bottoms, put them on and tried to limp away. This was futile, as she wound up soon receiving a vicious wedgie by Hans.

"OW!" Said Pearl as her panties started riding up quickly.

Hans walked across the room, dragging Pearl by her underwear and hoisting her up quickly. Pearl let off a sharp 'eeep' noise as Hans is about to her on a wall mounted coat hanger.

"Hans, we're sorry! How can we make it up to you?!" begged Pearl.

"By doing this!" Said Hans as he fastened Pearl's panty line on the hanger and let go. Gravity has Pearl fall and be suspended by her panties, ass crack visible. While scrawny, Pearl's weight causes the durable panties to tightly pull on her still-wounded, still-torn apart, still-regenerating boy parts, causing untold pain.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Pearl Cried out in agony, as what were once white panties became red.

"PEARL!" Screamed her Dad as he tried to reach her.

"NOT SO FAST!" Said Snowflake as she pulled out a barbed foot-long strapon and a thing of lube.

Snowflake thrusted forward and pushed the barbed device into her husband's ass. This, of course, was painful.

Pearl's Dad screamed in pain, as was expected.

"WHO'S A LITTLE BITCH?!" Asked Snowflake.

"...I AM!..." cried Pearl's Dad.

"LOUDER, LIKE YOU HAVE A PAIR!" Snowflake shouted.

Snowflake reached around and grabbed her husband's balls, squeezing them harshly. Letting out a loud moan of agony, the man was brought to his knees. He tried to hold on, but this was useless.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I AM!" Pearl's Dad shrieked.

"Hans, I know I - ow - accidentally sexually harassed you in bed, but please! Let us go!" Begged Pearl hanging by her panties, crotch in severe pain and buttcrack still exposed.

"Fine… but, first…" Hans undid his pants, "Kiss it." Said Hans as he presented his limp dick and limp nuts (no homo) for both.

"Uuuuuuuhhhhh?" Said a confused Pearl.

"Oh yeah it's a Militant Vegan lifestyle here( takes Viagra) there now kiss it." Said Hans.

"Hans…..wouldn't that be considered incest and rape?" Asked Pearl.

"Was what you did to your little brother the same thing?" Asked Hans.

"Fair point but truly there must be a better solution….." asked Pearl.

"Pearl kiss and makeup this instant or I'll use your Dad as a plunger!" Barked Snow as she still had him by the balls.

"Please, sweetie, - ow - take one for the ow team!" Pearl's Dad whimpered.

"Well, help me down and I'll kiss it." Said Pearl.

Hans helps her and has Pearl kiss it.

"There, now say "Ohh, Hans' penis, I'm sorry for pegging you." Said Hans.

"Hans' penis, I'm sorry for pegging you." Pearl apologized.

"Good Now one more thing (pulls the back of Pearl's panties seeing her butt) Ride mom's Strapon." Said Hans.

"Uh… aren't you taking this too far…?"

In a threatening manner, Hans pulled out a pair of walnuts and broke them with a nutcracker.

"Okay, okay!" Pearl caved.

Pearl's mom sat down as her daughter began riding the painful strapon.

Pearl immediately felt uncomfortable doing this.

"Damn! You're tighter than your father!" Snowflake yelled as she put a tight rubber band around Pearl's nutsack.

"Shit! Not again…..OW!" Said Pearl as she rode the barbed device.

"Yes, take it like how you took Hans' penis' pegged virginity!" Said Snow as she grabbed Pearl's sack and twisted her scrotum hard.

"Ouch! Fuck!" Screamed Pearl her Nuts were in testicular pain.

"You'll be shitting blood for a month!" Said Snow as she ripped the rest of Pearl's clothes off.

"Mom, why did you …?"

Hans pinched her nipples and began to slap her already hurting testes.

"OW! SHIT!" Screamed Pearl.

"Keep crying Pearl, I'm about to have my character arc!" Hans exclaimed.

Suddenly, Hans delivered a Johnny Cage-style uppercut to Pearl's junk.

"AUGH!...I should've played more video games…...OW! FUCK FUCK FUCK!" Pearl shouted as Snow switched to fucking Pearl doggy style.

"So Pearl you must be close right?" Asked Snow with some grunts.

"Yes, though it may not be my proudest fap…" Said Pearl.

Snow then gave Pearl an Urban Dictionary-style donkey punch, hitting her in the back of the head and knocking her out at climax.

Afterwards, Pearl and her Dad got the boot out of the house. We're surprised this didn't happen sooner.

Having touched dicks with Pearl, her brother Hans later got therapy and realized the error of his ways. He would stop being a Skinhead around this time, rip his PETA and Nazi posters, abandon Veganism, apologize to the Jewish Delis he vandalized, promote kosher food including meat and then marry an African Jewish American girl. To top it off, Hans would convert to Orthodox Judaism, study the Torah, have a Bar Mitzvah, become a Rabbi, and perform circumcisions free of charge. So, uhh, Pearl actually kind of helped with that? We dunno.

"Sorry, Dad… I really fucked up." Said Pearl.

"No sweetie, I did…...had I slept with you and sucked your dick, we'd still have a roof above our heads." Pearl's Dad admitted.

"Ohhh… uhhh…" Pearl sounded very uncomfortable but she still wanted to comfort her parent. "Dad, uhh, please don't beat yourself up." Said Pearl.

"Pearl, I may not have been there for you during your time on Earth which to be honest was your entire life but from here on out, I'm your full time Daddy!" Proclaimed Pearl's Dad.

"YAY!" Said Pearl.

Pearl imagined a little menu coming up, saying "Pearl's Dad has joined Pearl's party" like a RPG game.

The two went to their Gem ship, but all would immediately go wrong. They lifted off, but crashed through a giant window and went sailing up Blue Diamond's poop chute.

"GAAAAAH!" Screamed Blue as her hentai school girl skirt was pierced by the rocket.

Yellow burst through the oversized door to their oversized house, and noticed the oversized window had a large hole in it.

"Blue?!" Yellow Diamond shouted.

Yellow was dressed like a dom with her privates the size of small mountains on display. This was weird, but perfectly normal in this universe.

"AAAAAHHH! PEARL'S ROCKET CRASHED UP MY BUTT!" Blue shouted.

It was like watching a Benny Hill skit as Blue Diamond ran across the room screaming.

"Ugh… Yellow Pearl! fetch Blue some Laxatives!" Yellow ordered, shouting across the house.

"Yes My Diamond!" Shouted the dom-clad Yellow Pearl, back from another room.

(Meanwhile, in Blue's anus.)

"EWW! There's shit everywhere!" Said Pearl.

"Well at least things can't get worse sweetie." Said Pearl's Dad.

With a rumble, and a giant squeal from Blue, an ocean of liquid brown shit engulfed the rocket, breached the hull flooding the doomed occupants inside, and evicted them with the vehicle from Blue's asshole and into a giant toilet.

Cascade after cascade of shit showered the father/daughter duo along with shit smeared toilet paper with Che's face on them. As their shitty screams intensified, Blue crapped another shower before wiping and flushing, causing the duo to get dizzy and vomit on each other as they went down the drain. And, yes, they were hit in the nuts in the process… doesn't matter how.

This was very painful, but at least it distracted them.

In a huge sewer, Pearl's Dad decided to bath her daughter with his tongue like he's a gender bent lioness.

A/N: Sorry about the wait but this story is back on track!


End file.
